Family and stuff.

Family and stuff have kept me busy. My oldest son is moving in for awhile with me. He brings along his girlfriend and their puppy. Oh my poor floors. Oh my poor house, and just when I almost have everything neat and in place. Oh well it will be OK. I think.

The back bedroom Steven and I painted this last week. It had not been painted in I don't know how many years, and looked awful. I am having a new rug put in, I hope soon. The store has the rug. I just have too wait on the guys who install too call and set a time. I also plan on getting a new bed for that room. I got rid of the old one when Jim passed away. Steven and his girlfriend are going too put their things in storage. Which we all agreed made it a lot easier. I would get the room done, and get a guess bedroom. When they leave. So I should have a place for others who come and visit a place to sleep.

My younger son is in the hospital. His medication was doing a bad number on his body, and we took it away. When we did that he had a mental break, and now we are working too get him back and on the right track. He is doing better and I think we may have the problem solved.

Christmas was nice. Steven and Cindy came over and fixed dinner. While they were doing that, I went up too see my younger son in the hospital. I wanted too spend at least a little time with him on Christmas and give him a gift. He seems too be doing so much better. Eating and sleeping better, and seems too be happier. Which is a relief, because I was very worried about him.

I didn't really feel too bad about Jim not being here on Christmas. Time is passing and life is moving on, and my feelings are becomming more settled as time goes bye. I don't really mind being single or on my own. In some ways after all that Jim and I went through it is kind of a relief not too see him suffer and worry about him all of the time. I enjoy my time listening too music and reading. Most of the time I feel at peace. Might not be that way when my son moves in too the house. I am sure it will be busy.

Roz

Comfort Zone.

I need to step outside my comfort zone. Get out and explore things. Funny how I thought that would be easy once Jim was gone. Not as easy as I thought. I keep thinking once this year is done and over with it will be somehow easier. Maybe a New Years resolution to start things anew.

Maybe the VA will finally start sending my widows benifit. That would settle a lot of things for me, and make it easier. Getting things out of the way from my old life takes time. I will be glad when I get on the other side of all of this.

Roz

Who am I?

I know that maybe a strange question, but so many things have changed in the last six months. That I have been thrown off balance. One I am no longer Jim's wife, or care giver. I am not a grandmother. I don't feel as old as my years. I have no idea where I am going and really what I want too do.

I know that I planned on traveling, but I can't seem to make any plans. It is hard for me just too make myself get out of the house. Then there is the question which I am sure is way too early to be even be thinking about, do I want a man in my life? My fear about that is being hurt. You get rather spoiled being married to one person so many years. It is so easy too take for granted that love, and them seeing you the way you like too be seen. I was really comfortable with Jim's perception of me.

I know the basic part of me is the same. Now though I am single, healthy, and I need something too keep me healthy. I really don't want too make emotional stupid mistakes. Right now my emotions are all over the place. One minute up the next minute weepy. What do I want? I want too be a strong, confident older woman.  Does any one have a guide book? Because at this point I could sure use one.

Ros

What are you worth?

Most people would think when you ask them that question. That you were asking how big a house they had or how many cars, or how much do they make. And they would be wrong.

I have known the guy down the street for years. I watched him struggle, and watched his kids grow up. Most people would just write Doug off as a loser, but I like Doug. Why? Will he doesn't throw rocks at my house or shoot up the neighborhood. Doug is the person too call when you need a tree cut down, or the drain unplugged. He knows everyone who is in the service industry. Honest people you can call to get a job done without it costing an arm or leg. I feel safe with Doug. He isn't out too hurt me or cause me any trouble. So what is Doug worth? He is worth a lot because he is a decent man.

Most of the people around here are just blue collar workers struggling to get by. They are good people like Jim next door who has a small patch of grass for a front yard. Who when he cuts it somehow always seems to get carried away and mows my little patch of grass too. I don't have any doubts that if I needed him or his wife they would be over here in a New York minute.

I stopped measuring people by what they had or didn't have a lot of years ago. Too me it isn't about what I can get from someone. It is about the comfort level I feel around them. I don't ask much from anyone I know. Be friendly don't throw rocks at my house or let the dogs out. Don't go creeping around my house at night. Don't try too fool me into giving you what I don't have too give. I don't have a lot, but it is mine by a lot of hard work.   If you are hungry or in need I will scrape something together and help you out. In return I will not throw rocks at your house, or break in and steal what you have worked so hard too get.

If you listen too the news and the politicians you would think everyone is lazy and out too get you. The truth is that this country has a lot of good decent hard working folk. They are the  ones who only ask that they be treated fairly, and not be judged. Life isn't always fair or easy when  you are just one of many. We may be looked upon as the unwashed masses of humanity, but in reality for the most part. We are people just trying to get along.
Ros

You can't have him.

I was talking with a friend and saying I wish I had Jim back that I miss him. That he was the only man I ever wanted. Then she said you can't have him. It made me want too cry. No I can't have him. So what now I ask myself. I don't have any answers. I just struggle along going through this grief process. Step by step. I think it is a pain in the ass, but you don't get a choice it is what you have too live through.

In a book I was reading a couple of days ago. One of the characters was talking about people dieing and how we miss them and they are gone for ever. One of the others said in the book. No they live on in our memories of the past. It is only time that separates us from them. I liked that idea. I see Jim in my mind as he was when we were young, and how we were together.

No one will ever love me the way Jim did, and I know I will not love someone else like I did him. So many years, so much living. Some good, some not so good. You don't always like the person you are with, but when things are hard you turn too them. For comfort, and support, and when that is no longer there, you wonder will anyone ever do for me the way he did. I miss that comfort and support. At my age that is something I think maybe pretty hard to fine. The acceptance even with all your flaws.

Jim always said I was beautiful, and I always told him he was blind. You grow old with someone and you ignore the things that happen too an ageing body. Because you love them, and it is still them. With others they see your flaws and you see theirs, and it is not the same. I never really was shy before about my ageing, but now it bothers me and what others see. I didn't feel old with Jim, but now I do. I think I would never be able to take my clothes off for another. I would worry that they would say something about the way I look. No I am not about too have a face lift or dye my hair. It is just something I don't care too do. Plus it may make you look younger, but you are still old inside. You know heart, muscles etc. You can't change that sort of thing. So I am stuck with myself wondering if I can ever get pass all that and into some kind of comfort zone.

I think about these things, as I try to move forward. If you want too know. No one has made that kind of move towards me. I really don't think I expect anyone too. Plus I wonder now what they want from me. You have to be careful. So it goes.

I am thinking that when, the VA finally gets my claim settled. That I might go back too school. I am thinking an art degree might suit me. Something that I might enjoy. I am allowed a four year degree. So even though I am at the age that I am. I just might go for it.

Ros

The Divia's

Yes we  all have them in our lives. You know the drama queens. Like so many holidays it seems they come out of the wood work. First it was my son's girlfriend who doesn't know it yet, but not be his girlfriend much longer. Sigh. We  can only hope. She didn't like what I fixed for Thanksgiving. Maybe she should have stayed home?

Then there was the 62 year old widow's wedding. What a production that was with all the trimmings. So fine she can do what ever she wanted after all who am I too say anything. But I must admit it was a little much too have the wedding in the same church as the funeral of her late husband. The one in which, when they began too roll his casket out the door. She threw herself on the lid and sobbed uncontrollably.  Aah the drama of it all.

Then there was too just fill up my weekend with more drama. The daughter who dropped by while I was at her mothers to use her bathroom. She is with child, and bad mother and me had been smoking. Of course we had too hear about our smoking and how she just could not stay and visit. No one asked her too stay or too even stop in. It isn't that her mother and I don't try to be considerate of others with our smoking. It is that her daughter made such a big deal about it, and I thought that was very rude. Just shut up and leave for heavens sake. I did have too laugh when her mother said that her daughter could not eat lunch meat because it was bad for the baby and made a  big deal out of that too. It was being served at a birthday party she went too. So don't eat it. You don't have too be rude too the people putting on the birthday party. After all it wasn't about you.

If I have learned one thing in my 66 years of life, is that if you don't like something fine. Then keep it too yourself or stay really far away from that person. Yes I know sometimes we get stuck with them even when we would rather be some where else. I remember Emily post saying that the way too be a lady or gentleman was too make sure you didn't make other people uncomfortable. Isn't it something that a lot of people have forgotten how to be polite.

Ros

Why do you ask?

It happen again today. A phone call, and of course how are you doing. Then right on before my mouth could open the purpose of the call. It doesn't matter really, even when the phone call dragged on for almost 2 hours. It was all about them and asking me what should they do? I try too give what information I think will help them, but really they need to listen and just go to whom I tell them too go too. Sigh It is the way it is.

I am fine by the way. I finally painted the front bedroom, and got it back to gether again. Now I can stop beating my self up for not making myself get too it sooner. I will take a bit for me too get use too the color. I can't decide if I like it or not. No matter I am not about too paint it again for some time too come.

Everyone is coming here to my house for Thanksgiving and I have been trying too decide the menu. I have too laugh at some of the things I have fixed for Thanksgiving. Pizza, ham sandwiches, and a few other things. Yet everyone seemed to agree that they liked what I fixed. Lack of money? NO. Just lack of wanting too cook a great deal after working all week. Easy. Lazy what ever. Still I believe it is all about family being together and spending that special time with each other. This year we will have an empty chair. Am I sad? Not like you would think. Although I feel these waves come over me of wanting too cry, but it doesn't happen. I really am happier with life than most would think. It hit me the other day as I paid my taxes that I didn't owe anyone any thing. That all was mine and I could do what ever I like for the first time in my life. It is alright even though I miss Jim. It is just different and not a bad different. I have accepted life for what it is now, and I see the good in my life. It is good, I am good.

Roz

Mom?

I awoke this morning with the word mom sliding through my mind. For an instant it was as if she were calling too me. Ghost from the pass. Maybe the dead do stay with you and comfort you at the most unexpected times.

Even though Jim is not here I feel he is here in this house, and it gives me comfort knowing that maybe he has never really left. That somehow he is watching over me. Maybe it is just a way for my mind too find comfort in his being gone.

I am still trying too move ahead, but seem too be having a problem with it. I know I should be doing things like finishing the painting doing some more work outside. Yet I can't seem too make my self go too work on these things. Instead I find my mind wandering here and there never really landing on anything. I think that maybe it is the process that one goes through with grieving. A dam nuisance if you ask me.

Winter is coming and I wonder what that will mean. Will I hide away like a bear in a cave, or will I find the well too get out and live life. It is at times harder than one might think. The other thing is the waiting for things like my widows benefit too finally be settled. I know it will, it just takes time. Time that at my age seems too be wasted on this waiting, and waiting.

Then there is the waves of sadness  that hits me from time too time. I don't  cry much, because I have trained myself not too. Which in some ways makes things harder. It is as if I just let go I would somehow move on and feel better. Maybe I am just not ready too let go.

This is an experience I would not wish on anyone.

Roz

Thinking

I often think of all of you and this blog, but just can't seem too make myself write a single word. So how am I getting along? Not bad most of the time. I have my moments, but over all I have come to accept this new life of mine.

I could say that I miss Jim, but it seems as if this whole house is still full with his spirit, almost as if sometimes he never left. I took a day and went over too the cemetery after they said his headstone had been placed. I stayed for a couple of hours crying for him, and feeling lost. Then I drove too the old home place he grew up at, and? He wasn't there. Silly I suppose thinking the way I did that day. Wanting him too come home, and feeling as if I could not find him. When all along he really seems too be here in this house.

This grieving stuff is a pain. Yet it is something one goes through no matter what we want, or what we think. I feel a comfort being here in this old house. It is after all home.

At the beginning it seemed I had a need for others too be around. Then it has happen that, I have grown tried of all of the advise, and the meddling that others can't seem too keep from doing. You would think that I am a helpless child with no brain at all. No help for it but too tell a few too get on down the road. Maybe later I will regret my temper.

I am taking things slower now. Giving thought too what I really want to do with my life. I still do not feel a need to find someone else. Maybe it is too soon, or maybe what I see is not too my liking. Like I told my son. I am not a young woman anymore, and I don't need too have someone point that out too me. I don't want too care for another sick man or one who simply sees that being with me is an advantage for him. Too many have asked about what I intend too do with Jim's tools, and other things. So eager too help me dispose of them, and other things.

I always felt someone protected from the predators, but for awhile I felt exposed. So it is that I have let others know how I really feel, and that I am not one you can take advantage. People always with the greed. Sigh. So maybe my temper has really saved me from doing something stupid. I will take it slow and decide for myself what is best for me.

Ros

Raw

I was warned too watch out for feelings that would catch up too me. They do now and again and I feel melancholy at those times. Not that I wish too go back which too me would be rather stupid and pointless. It is just old feelings and flashes of things from the pass come unbidden. Making me sad, and always wondering in terms of what if's.

I suppose that when you get old these things happen even with out someone passing away. It is just that even though I have a lot I should be doing. I find myself sitting and staring off into no where. I will get up off my butt. Once I have wound my way through the maze of my mind. I am never sure what I will be when I come out the other side of this maze, but I don't think it will be the person I was when I wandered into that place.

Ted's doctor asked me one day about my feelings and how I was doing. That was before Jim passed away. Truth is I just was tired and wanted it too be over with at the time. I think whatever feelings I had were on vacation. I told him I didn't have time for feelings. He said I was only human and humans have feelings. Yes we do but sometimes you have too put them aside. Later like now they will come back and you will need like I am doing now. Sort them all out. Because they are in a heap that keeps tripping me up at unexpected times. Tedious is what it is, but another thing too be taken care of in my world.

Ros

Dusting this place off.

Once again it has been awhile since I have posted here on my blog. So what is going on in my life now? I have stopped smoking and plan too stay stopped this time. I also am cleaning up the house getting rid of stuff and fixing things up. It has been a big job, and I still have lots of work too do.

I am putting in a new floor, painting, and put in a new toilet and sink in the bathroom. I also have been working on the yard, but I still have tons of work too do outside. I also have the basement with all of Jim's tools and other things too sort out and sell.

Then there is my friends who try too keep me busy. Sometimes my son, and other family members. They were afraid at first that I would break, but I am a lot tougher than they expected. Plus I don't see much use in grieving about Jim. I think I did enough of that when he was alive.

I just want too get my life back to what I want, and move on. Find out who I am now days, and what old Ros really wants for herself. A friend said it was me trying too find my self again. Surprises about me? Yes. I have surprised myself. I really like girl, girl things. I have too laugh at the tough little chick with her blue jeans, and hand me that wrench. I can do it myself. Who would have thought that I would be painting my bedroom lavender or wanted all fluffy pink towels? Not me. So I guess we all have a hidden interself. I am doing good.

Ros

Wrapping it up.

My life has been busy these last few weeks and months. Now I am winding things down and finishing up business. So much paper work, and so much you have too take care of and decide when someone has passed away.

Things have gone pretty smooth. Thanks too all of the planning we did before Jim passed. I just more or less followed my list marking off things. I am almost finished with most of it. Now it well be about taking care of my day to day life.

Thank goodness for all of my friends and support they have given me. I really don't know how I would have made it. They listen to me when I thought I just couldn't take things anymore. They were there with their encouragement and a shoulder to cry on. All of them have given me so much love that I feel filled up and over flowing with it. It just blows me away. I think how in the world did I deserve such friends?

Jim's family has also been great. I sure can't complain about any of them. They did Jim proud by showing up and giving such loving support too me and the boys. Both of which did really well. My older son gave the eulogy and I was so proud of him. He did a wonderful job. It was lovely and respective. The Leavenworth National Cem. is beautiful and so well kept. I am glad I decided to put Jim too rest in that lovely place. The boys and myself will be laid to rest next too Jim when our time comes. Which is a comfort. Jim never had a chance of getting away from me at least not for long or very far away. LOL Not that I plan on joining him very soon.

I still have things too see and things too do. My dance card seems to be filling up fast with so many people too see and things too do.I still am looking forward too a day just for me. I am sad, happy, and relieved all at the same time. Excited about life and sad that Jim can not enjoy it with me. So it goes. Life just rolls along.

Ros

Jim doesn't live here anymore.

Some of you may already know that Jim passed away July 12Th. Tomorrow we have the funeral at the Leavenworth National Cemetery. My son Steven will give the eulogy for his father.Which seems so right on so many levels.

At times I feel sad, and at other times I am glad that all of this sickness and his suffering is done. I well move on with my life, because as we all know life is for the living. I will always hold Jim in my heart. I will cry for him, and I will raise my fist too the heavens and yell at him. I know that he left me better prepared than most. Worries about money and medical care are all taken care of for me. He wanted too make sure that I would be OK.

I know at times I will not be OK. I will learn too live alone and take charge of my life. It has been a journey for me. Some parts very happy, other parts very sad. Yet if you asked me would I have chosen some one else too make this journey with in this life? I would tell you no.

We had a bond between us, and we had a love that I could never have had with another man. It was always as if we were suppose too be with each other, and as strange as it may seem. Nothing could break us apart except his death. It is a rare thing too find what we had together. It is hard to explain too others. Because at times we hated each other, and at other times we loved each other so much it hurt. All of it was Jim and me. It was always about the two of us. Others can come and go in your life, but Jim mmm what can I say. I loved him.

Ros

Time passes

It seems that every few months I creep in here, and take a look around. Then flee away too do other things. I really don't want to give anything much thought and it has kept me from writing here in my little space.

What does one say or report too others. That much has not changed. That I feel worn, and at times depressed.

Who would have thought that sixteen years would have passed by so fast. Since that day that Jim was told he was ill. Who would have thought that he would even still be alive? I remember all that we went through that first year, and my thinking. That I needed to get my life in order, because I was very likely to be alone. Yet here we are sixteen years later and he is still with me. Not what I expected.

It feels as if I have been holding my breath all of this time. Waiting, and waiting for it all too end. Yet here we are still. Others would tell me too count my blessings, but watching him go through all of what he has gone through over these years it is almost more than I can endure. It is like the drip, drip of water upon a stone. Taking for ever to make even a difference. Yet watching him go from youthful to a shadow of himself.

Once a strong man, now a man who can not do much at all. Once a man with muscle and strength, all bone, and hanging skin. Who labors so hard with each breath. I wonder how does he do it? How does he still believe that he will some how get better?

I know that all of the above is going on. Yet I hid as much as I can from myself. Immersing myself self in other things. Setting myself apart so that I do not feel the pain. Still every once in awhile I am forced too surface and face the realities of life.

Life goes on. Things need too be done. Lawns mowed, trips too the store, all of the everyday things that must be taken care of in our lifer's. When he takes his shirt off, I can't help but look away. When I see him in his bath. I want too look away. Who is this man that is in my house? Where did he come from? This is not my Jim. The one I loved, fought with, and raised children. Yet I know that it is him and it breaks my heart.

So I turn my head and I immerse myself in other things. Because not too do so it way too painful.

Ros

Another day.

Where have I been and what have I been up too? Most of what I do is the same thing every day. Get up, and just do chores and keep Jim company. Sometimes I go too the store. Not much to say about anything.

I watch as people struggle with problems not created by themselves, but things that are beyond their control out across the world. It makes my problems seem so small. I don't have too go in search of food or a safe place too stay. I don't have too worry about pleasing a boss or any of the day too day things plaguing others.

So even though Jim is ill, life is not really as bad as some. We muddle along here at our house. Some days are good others could be better on the problem of Jim's illness. We treat each day as normal without a lot of drama. Which in our opinion is the right way too live. What good is screaming, crying and pulling ones hair out over things that can not be changed. It is far better to live in peace and accept that which is.

So life goes on such as it is here at this simple abode of ours. Be ever thankful for what you have, and for those you love.

Ros

Here I am.

Here I am back hurting after a day of shopping. I really don't like going too the store. Will at least it is done, and the sun is shinning and it is suppose to warm up.

I just love my friends who write blogs. Dee was talking about trying too hard to I guess too look young. Will I have given up that idea. Now I am trying for the I look pretty good for 65. Sad I see pictures of myself and I try so hard. Too look at least attractive in an elderly way. Yet I come off as the short dumpy lady. I blame it all on my short fat legs. I have been told that I look cute. Which makes me laugh, and makes me picture a puppy or kitten. I suppose cute is good at least no one is saying I am ugly.

Jim says bless his heart. That I look good. Of course what does he know. He is half blind. Which is no doubt a good thing. Otherwise he might be chasing women half my age down the street. Yes he is still with us. I have stopped worrying about his dying, because it seems like he is not going anywhere soon. Although if you saw him with out clothes you would wonder what is keeping him alive. He eats less than anyone I know and sleeps a lot. At least most of the time he doesn't seem to be in a lot of pain. Thank goodness for that blessing.

Like everyone else I am ready for this winter too be over, and all of the snow melted away. I brought a rose up out of the basement. My little rose tree has been giving me some really pretty blooms. Which makes me long for spring.

I have been thinking that when Jim is gone. That I want too give this house to my oldest son and move into something smaller. I just need to find some where that suits me. Because I want too just travel when the mood hits me. Just get up and lock the door and go. I don't want anymore responsibilities for anything except myself. Warning I might just show up at your door step. Don't worry I won't stay long. It is a thought going through my mind these days. We shall see what happens.

Ros

Floating away.

I think too much and when I do that, I upset myself. Yesterday I was thinking about Jim and all that we have been through with all of this medical stuff. Hard to believe it has been 16 years since we started on this journey. Who would have known. That he would be able to live through all of the things that have happen to him. Not me for sure.

Still he stays never letting go of this life that we share. Even now when they tell him nothing is left too do. Each morning he gets up. Lets the dog out, and goes out and gets the paper. Every day I wonder if this will be the last.

It is as if a little bit of our souls drift away each day, and I feel as if I am floating away. When he is gone it will be as if my other half has gone, and I don't know how too deal with it. He has always been my rock. Keeping my feet planted firmly on the ground. When he is gone. Will I be able to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground? Can I keep from becoming lost in a sea of self pity and grief? Will my heart mend?

I think sometimes I shouldn't think about these things, but in the dark of the night. I can't help myself. Wondering what my life will be like with out him. No it is not my intent too be a drama queen. One of those whose later years is spent gathering pity for oneself. I don't want that for my older years. Yes I have heard and been given tons of advise, and I have listen. I truly have listen.

Yet each of us is different and our needs are different. I think what works well for one. May not work well for another. So I am left wondering about what life has in store for me after he is gone.

So now is the waiting time, and the sharing of what we have left. I don't know how long this dying things takes, or even how close it might be. Some days I want it all too be over, and then other days. I think all of it has been way too short, and we need more time. I suppose the best thing too do is just take care of this day, because I have not been given a choice.

Ros

47 Years of marriage.

Well Jim and me made it too 47 years of marriage today. I have no idea how we did it. Could it be love? Could it be because we are stubborn? Could it be because we don't like change? Could it be because it was easier than getting a divoce? Could it be because both of us were too lazy for one of us to move out? Could it be because it was easier just too work all of the time and ignore each other? Maybe the sex was good? Maybe we just liked each other?

I think it could be all of the above at one time or the other. What ever the reason here we are 47 years later still together. Looking out for each other and doing most of the time good things for each other. I don't know about this love thing forever. You sort of slow down in old age. We don't yell at each other these days. Seems like a waste of energy, and pointless. If I don't like something that he is doing. I just go find something else to spend my time doing. I find it a lot easier just too ignore things I don't like. You sure are not going to change the man now. Just like he gave up trying to change me. Either you take each other just as you find that person, or you just get out.

One more thing. How do you know if you do find someone else, if that person might not be a whole lot worse than the one you already are with now? That green grass on the other side of the fence could have a lot of poison ivy growing in it.

Roz