Saturday, January 15, 2011

Floating away.

I think too much and when I do that, I upset myself. Yesterday I was thinking about Jim and all that we have been through with all of this medical stuff. Hard to believe it has been 16 years since we started on this journey. Who would have known. That he would be able to live through all of the things that have happen to him. Not me for sure.

Still he stays never letting go of this life that we share. Even now when they tell him nothing is left too do. Each morning he gets up. Lets the dog out, and goes out and gets the paper. Every day I wonder if this will be the last.

It is as if a little bit of our souls drift away each day, and I feel as if I am floating away. When he is gone it will be as if my other half has gone, and I don't know how too deal with it. He has always been my rock. Keeping my feet planted firmly on the ground. When he is gone. Will I be able to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground? Can I keep from becoming lost in a sea of self pity and grief? Will my heart mend?

I think sometimes I shouldn't think about these things, but in the dark of the night. I can't help myself. Wondering what my life will be like with out him. No it is not my intent too be a drama queen. One of those whose later years is spent gathering pity for oneself. I don't want that for my older years. Yes I have heard and been given tons of advise, and I have listen. I truly have listen.

Yet each of us is different and our needs are different. I think what works well for one. May not work well for another. So I am left wondering about what life has in store for me after he is gone.

So now is the waiting time, and the sharing of what we have left. I don't know how long this dying things takes, or even how close it might be. Some days I want it all too be over, and then other days. I think all of it has been way too short, and we need more time. I suppose the best thing too do is just take care of this day, because I have not been given a choice.

Ros

6 comments:

Dorrie said...

Roz, you two have shared so much together, but there will come the day when it's his time to go. In your case, like with my parents, we know that day is coming soon so it's no surprise... you might even feel relief, knowing he no longer suffers.

Then, take a DEEP breath, count to ten, and start living YOUR life. You can do it! Maybe just do something so different, something you would have/could have never done before, like hop on a plane and travel somewhere (there's always a guest room in my home here in Germany whenever you would come!).

Silentwhisper said...

Everyone thinks in that way.If they don't? they just don't want you to know they DO!
Its sounds perfectly natural.I know I'd feel the same about my husband.And I know on various occasions I think of what the my world would be like without mom, or dad.I try to stuff it away and go on with my day.But I know in some ways those thoughts are a mechanism in one preparing one self for deep loss.

Damn---now "I'm" bummed! LOL!

Lets fight over Ros and who gets her visit first!!! Haha!

Roz said...

It is one of the things I have thought of doing. Getting my passport and traveling. I would love too see you both in person.

becomingkate said...

I remember being where you are now, the future unkown. I really feel for you and your family as you go through it. It seems especially difficult when you're dealing with ambivilent grief...which we are now going through as we watch Bill's father go through his health issues, one after another. One day at a time, is a good way to handle it.

BTW, if you go to visit Dee, I am just a hop and skip from her, so you could stop to get me on the way :)

Roz said...

Kate I have thought about doing just that and seeing every one I could. I hope that I am not to old or feeble to do it.

Fijufic said...

Roz,

These are doubts that linger when life gives you a major change. I do not have the answer. In fact, I'm hoping that when you figure it out that you can give us the answer and wisdom to live through it...

Love you,
Bobby