I awoke this morning with the word mom sliding through my mind. For an instant it was as if she were calling too me. Ghost from the pass. Maybe the dead do stay with you and comfort you at the most unexpected times.
Even though Jim is not here I feel he is here in this house, and it gives me comfort knowing that maybe he has never really left. That somehow he is watching over me. Maybe it is just a way for my mind too find comfort in his being gone.
I am still trying too move ahead, but seem too be having a problem with it. I know I should be doing things like finishing the painting doing some more work outside. Yet I can't seem too make my self go too work on these things. Instead I find my mind wandering here and there never really landing on anything. I think that maybe it is the process that one goes through with grieving. A dam nuisance if you ask me.
Winter is coming and I wonder what that will mean. Will I hide away like a bear in a cave, or will I find the well too get out and live life. It is at times harder than one might think. The other thing is the waiting for things like my widows benefit too finally be settled. I know it will, it just takes time. Time that at my age seems too be wasted on this waiting, and waiting.
Then there is the waves of sadness that hits me from time too time. I don't cry much, because I have trained myself not too. Which in some ways makes things harder. It is as if I just let go I would somehow move on and feel better. Maybe I am just not ready too let go.
This is an experience I would not wish on anyone.