I awoke this morning with the word mom sliding through my mind. For an instant it was as if she were calling too me. Ghost from the pass. Maybe the dead do stay with you and comfort you at the most unexpected times.
Even though Jim is not here I feel he is here in this house, and it gives me comfort knowing that maybe he has never really left. That somehow he is watching over me. Maybe it is just a way for my mind too find comfort in his being gone.
I am still trying too move ahead, but seem too be having a problem with it. I know I should be doing things like finishing the painting doing some more work outside. Yet I can't seem too make my self go too work on these things. Instead I find my mind wandering here and there never really landing on anything. I think that maybe it is the process that one goes through with grieving. A dam nuisance if you ask me.
Winter is coming and I wonder what that will mean. Will I hide away like a bear in a cave, or will I find the well too get out and live life. It is at times harder than one might think. The other thing is the waiting for things like my widows benefit too finally be settled. I know it will, it just takes time. Time that at my age seems too be wasted on this waiting, and waiting.
Then there is the waves of sadness that hits me from time too time. I don't cry much, because I have trained myself not too. Which in some ways makes things harder. It is as if I just let go I would somehow move on and feel better. Maybe I am just not ready too let go.
This is an experience I would not wish on anyone.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I often think of all of you and this blog, but just can't seem too make myself write a single word. So how am I getting along? Not bad most of the time. I have my moments, but over all I have come to accept this new life of mine.
I could say that I miss Jim, but it seems as if this whole house is still full with his spirit, almost as if sometimes he never left. I took a day and went over too the cemetery after they said his headstone had been placed. I stayed for a couple of hours crying for him, and feeling lost. Then I drove too the old home place he grew up at, and? He wasn't there. Silly I suppose thinking the way I did that day. Wanting him too come home, and feeling as if I could not find him. When all along he really seems too be here in this house.
This grieving stuff is a pain. Yet it is something one goes through no matter what we want, or what we think. I feel a comfort being here in this old house. It is after all home.
At the beginning it seemed I had a need for others too be around. Then it has happen that, I have grown tried of all of the advise, and the meddling that others can't seem too keep from doing. You would think that I am a helpless child with no brain at all. No help for it but too tell a few too get on down the road. Maybe later I will regret my temper.
I am taking things slower now. Giving thought too what I really want to do with my life. I still do not feel a need to find someone else. Maybe it is too soon, or maybe what I see is not too my liking. Like I told my son. I am not a young woman anymore, and I don't need too have someone point that out too me. I don't want too care for another sick man or one who simply sees that being with me is an advantage for him. Too many have asked about what I intend too do with Jim's tools, and other things. So eager too help me dispose of them, and other things.
I always felt someone protected from the predators, but for awhile I felt exposed. So it is that I have let others know how I really feel, and that I am not one you can take advantage. People always with the greed. Sigh. So maybe my temper has really saved me from doing something stupid. I will take it slow and decide for myself what is best for me.