Wednesday, November 30, 2011

You can't have him.

I was talking with a friend and saying I wish I had Jim back that I miss him. That he was the only man I ever wanted. Then she said you can't have him. It made me want too cry. No I can't have him. So what now I ask myself. I don't have any answers. I just struggle along going through this grief process. Step by step. I think it is a pain in the ass, but you don't get a choice it is what you have too live through.

In a book I was reading a couple of days ago. One of the characters was talking about people dieing and how we miss them and they are gone for ever. One of the others said in the book. No they live on in our memories of the past. It is only time that separates us from them. I liked that idea. I see Jim in my mind as he was when we were young, and how we were together.

No one will ever love me the way Jim did, and I know I will not love someone else like I did him. So many years, so much living. Some good, some not so good. You don't always like the person you are with, but when things are hard you turn too them. For comfort, and support, and when that is no longer there, you wonder will anyone ever do for me the way he did. I miss that comfort and support. At my age that is something I think maybe pretty hard to fine. The acceptance even with all your flaws.

Jim always said I was beautiful, and I always told him he was blind. You grow old with someone and you ignore the things that happen too an ageing body. Because you love them, and it is still them. With others they see your flaws and you see theirs, and it is not the same. I never really was shy before about my ageing, but now it bothers me and what others see. I didn't feel old with Jim, but now I do. I think I would never be able to take my clothes off for another. I would worry that they would say something about the way I look. No I am not about too have a face lift or dye my hair. It is just something I don't care too do. Plus it may make you look younger, but you are still old inside. You know heart, muscles etc. You can't change that sort of thing. So I am stuck with myself wondering if I can ever get pass all that and into some kind of comfort zone.

I think about these things, as I try to move forward. If you want too know. No one has made that kind of move towards me. I really don't think I expect anyone too. Plus I wonder now what they want from me. You have to be careful. So it goes.

I am thinking that when, the VA finally gets my claim settled. That I might go back too school. I am thinking an art degree might suit me. Something that I might enjoy. I am allowed a four year degree. So even though I am at the age that I am. I just might go for it.


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Divia's

Yes we  all have them in our lives. You know the drama queens. Like so many holidays it seems they come out of the wood work. First it was my son's girlfriend who doesn't know it yet, but not be his girlfriend much longer. Sigh. We  can only hope. She didn't like what I fixed for Thanksgiving. Maybe she should have stayed home?

Then there was the 62 year old widow's wedding. What a production that was with all the trimmings. So fine she can do what ever she wanted after all who am I too say anything. But I must admit it was a little much too have the wedding in the same church as the funeral of her late husband. The one in which, when they began too roll his casket out the door. She threw herself on the lid and sobbed uncontrollably.  Aah the drama of it all.

Then there was too just fill up my weekend with more drama. The daughter who dropped by while I was at her mothers to use her bathroom. She is with child, and bad mother and me had been smoking. Of course we had too hear about our smoking and how she just could not stay and visit. No one asked her too stay or too even stop in. It isn't that her mother and I don't try to be considerate of others with our smoking. It is that her daughter made such a big deal about it, and I thought that was very rude. Just shut up and leave for heavens sake. I did have too laugh when her mother said that her daughter could not eat lunch meat because it was bad for the baby and made a  big deal out of that too. It was being served at a birthday party she went too. So don't eat it. You don't have too be rude too the people putting on the birthday party. After all it wasn't about you.

If I have learned one thing in my 66 years of life, is that if you don't like something fine. Then keep it too yourself or stay really far away from that person. Yes I know sometimes we get stuck with them even when we would rather be some where else. I remember Emily post saying that the way too be a lady or gentleman was too make sure you didn't make other people uncomfortable. Isn't it something that a lot of people have forgotten how to be polite.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Why do you ask?

It happen again today. A phone call, and of course how are you doing. Then right on before my mouth could open the purpose of the call. It doesn't matter really, even when the phone call dragged on for almost 2 hours. It was all about them and asking me what should they do? I try too give what information I think will help them, but really they need to listen and just go to whom I tell them too go too. Sigh It is the way it is.

I am fine by the way. I finally painted the front bedroom, and got it back to gether again. Now I can stop beating my self up for not making myself get too it sooner. I will take a bit for me too get use too the color. I can't decide if I like it or not. No matter I am not about too paint it again for some time too come.

Everyone is coming here to my house for Thanksgiving and I have been trying too decide the menu. I have too laugh at some of the things I have fixed for Thanksgiving. Pizza, ham sandwiches, and a few other things. Yet everyone seemed to agree that they liked what I fixed. Lack of money? NO. Just lack of wanting too cook a great deal after working all week. Easy. Lazy what ever. Still I believe it is all about family being together and spending that special time with each other. This year we will have an empty chair. Am I sad? Not like you would think. Although I feel these waves come over me of wanting too cry, but it doesn't happen. I really am happier with life than most would think. It hit me the other day as I paid my taxes that I didn't owe anyone any thing. That all was mine and I could do what ever I like for the first time in my life. It is alright even though I miss Jim. It is just different and not a bad different. I have accepted life for what it is now, and I see the good in my life. It is good, I am good.