Family and stuff.

Family and stuff have kept me busy. My oldest son is moving in for awhile with me. He brings along his girlfriend and their puppy. Oh my poor floors. Oh my poor house, and just when I almost have everything neat and in place. Oh well it will be OK. I think.

The back bedroom Steven and I painted this last week. It had not been painted in I don't know how many years, and looked awful. I am having a new rug put in, I hope soon. The store has the rug. I just have too wait on the guys who install too call and set a time. I also plan on getting a new bed for that room. I got rid of the old one when Jim passed away. Steven and his girlfriend are going too put their things in storage. Which we all agreed made it a lot easier. I would get the room done, and get a guess bedroom. When they leave. So I should have a place for others who come and visit a place to sleep.

My younger son is in the hospital. His medication was doing a bad number on his body, and we took it away. When we did that he had a mental break, and now we are working too get him back and on the right track. He is doing better and I think we may have the problem solved.

Christmas was nice. Steven and Cindy came over and fixed dinner. While they were doing that, I went up too see my younger son in the hospital. I wanted too spend at least a little time with him on Christmas and give him a gift. He seems too be doing so much better. Eating and sleeping better, and seems too be happier. Which is a relief, because I was very worried about him.

I didn't really feel too bad about Jim not being here on Christmas. Time is passing and life is moving on, and my feelings are becomming more settled as time goes bye. I don't really mind being single or on my own. In some ways after all that Jim and I went through it is kind of a relief not too see him suffer and worry about him all of the time. I enjoy my time listening too music and reading. Most of the time I feel at peace. Might not be that way when my son moves in too the house. I am sure it will be busy.

Roz

Comfort Zone.

I need to step outside my comfort zone. Get out and explore things. Funny how I thought that would be easy once Jim was gone. Not as easy as I thought. I keep thinking once this year is done and over with it will be somehow easier. Maybe a New Years resolution to start things anew.

Maybe the VA will finally start sending my widows benifit. That would settle a lot of things for me, and make it easier. Getting things out of the way from my old life takes time. I will be glad when I get on the other side of all of this.

Roz

Who am I?

I know that maybe a strange question, but so many things have changed in the last six months. That I have been thrown off balance. One I am no longer Jim's wife, or care giver. I am not a grandmother. I don't feel as old as my years. I have no idea where I am going and really what I want too do.

I know that I planned on traveling, but I can't seem to make any plans. It is hard for me just too make myself get out of the house. Then there is the question which I am sure is way too early to be even be thinking about, do I want a man in my life? My fear about that is being hurt. You get rather spoiled being married to one person so many years. It is so easy too take for granted that love, and them seeing you the way you like too be seen. I was really comfortable with Jim's perception of me.

I know the basic part of me is the same. Now though I am single, healthy, and I need something too keep me healthy. I really don't want too make emotional stupid mistakes. Right now my emotions are all over the place. One minute up the next minute weepy. What do I want? I want too be a strong, confident older woman.  Does any one have a guide book? Because at this point I could sure use one.

Ros

What are you worth?

Most people would think when you ask them that question. That you were asking how big a house they had or how many cars, or how much do they make. And they would be wrong.

I have known the guy down the street for years. I watched him struggle, and watched his kids grow up. Most people would just write Doug off as a loser, but I like Doug. Why? Will he doesn't throw rocks at my house or shoot up the neighborhood. Doug is the person too call when you need a tree cut down, or the drain unplugged. He knows everyone who is in the service industry. Honest people you can call to get a job done without it costing an arm or leg. I feel safe with Doug. He isn't out too hurt me or cause me any trouble. So what is Doug worth? He is worth a lot because he is a decent man.

Most of the people around here are just blue collar workers struggling to get by. They are good people like Jim next door who has a small patch of grass for a front yard. Who when he cuts it somehow always seems to get carried away and mows my little patch of grass too. I don't have any doubts that if I needed him or his wife they would be over here in a New York minute.

I stopped measuring people by what they had or didn't have a lot of years ago. Too me it isn't about what I can get from someone. It is about the comfort level I feel around them. I don't ask much from anyone I know. Be friendly don't throw rocks at my house or let the dogs out. Don't go creeping around my house at night. Don't try too fool me into giving you what I don't have too give. I don't have a lot, but it is mine by a lot of hard work.   If you are hungry or in need I will scrape something together and help you out. In return I will not throw rocks at your house, or break in and steal what you have worked so hard too get.

If you listen too the news and the politicians you would think everyone is lazy and out too get you. The truth is that this country has a lot of good decent hard working folk. They are the  ones who only ask that they be treated fairly, and not be judged. Life isn't always fair or easy when  you are just one of many. We may be looked upon as the unwashed masses of humanity, but in reality for the most part. We are people just trying to get along.
Ros

You can't have him.

I was talking with a friend and saying I wish I had Jim back that I miss him. That he was the only man I ever wanted. Then she said you can't have him. It made me want too cry. No I can't have him. So what now I ask myself. I don't have any answers. I just struggle along going through this grief process. Step by step. I think it is a pain in the ass, but you don't get a choice it is what you have too live through.

In a book I was reading a couple of days ago. One of the characters was talking about people dieing and how we miss them and they are gone for ever. One of the others said in the book. No they live on in our memories of the past. It is only time that separates us from them. I liked that idea. I see Jim in my mind as he was when we were young, and how we were together.

No one will ever love me the way Jim did, and I know I will not love someone else like I did him. So many years, so much living. Some good, some not so good. You don't always like the person you are with, but when things are hard you turn too them. For comfort, and support, and when that is no longer there, you wonder will anyone ever do for me the way he did. I miss that comfort and support. At my age that is something I think maybe pretty hard to fine. The acceptance even with all your flaws.

Jim always said I was beautiful, and I always told him he was blind. You grow old with someone and you ignore the things that happen too an ageing body. Because you love them, and it is still them. With others they see your flaws and you see theirs, and it is not the same. I never really was shy before about my ageing, but now it bothers me and what others see. I didn't feel old with Jim, but now I do. I think I would never be able to take my clothes off for another. I would worry that they would say something about the way I look. No I am not about too have a face lift or dye my hair. It is just something I don't care too do. Plus it may make you look younger, but you are still old inside. You know heart, muscles etc. You can't change that sort of thing. So I am stuck with myself wondering if I can ever get pass all that and into some kind of comfort zone.

I think about these things, as I try to move forward. If you want too know. No one has made that kind of move towards me. I really don't think I expect anyone too. Plus I wonder now what they want from me. You have to be careful. So it goes.

I am thinking that when, the VA finally gets my claim settled. That I might go back too school. I am thinking an art degree might suit me. Something that I might enjoy. I am allowed a four year degree. So even though I am at the age that I am. I just might go for it.

Ros

The Divia's

Yes we  all have them in our lives. You know the drama queens. Like so many holidays it seems they come out of the wood work. First it was my son's girlfriend who doesn't know it yet, but not be his girlfriend much longer. Sigh. We  can only hope. She didn't like what I fixed for Thanksgiving. Maybe she should have stayed home?

Then there was the 62 year old widow's wedding. What a production that was with all the trimmings. So fine she can do what ever she wanted after all who am I too say anything. But I must admit it was a little much too have the wedding in the same church as the funeral of her late husband. The one in which, when they began too roll his casket out the door. She threw herself on the lid and sobbed uncontrollably.  Aah the drama of it all.

Then there was too just fill up my weekend with more drama. The daughter who dropped by while I was at her mothers to use her bathroom. She is with child, and bad mother and me had been smoking. Of course we had too hear about our smoking and how she just could not stay and visit. No one asked her too stay or too even stop in. It isn't that her mother and I don't try to be considerate of others with our smoking. It is that her daughter made such a big deal about it, and I thought that was very rude. Just shut up and leave for heavens sake. I did have too laugh when her mother said that her daughter could not eat lunch meat because it was bad for the baby and made a  big deal out of that too. It was being served at a birthday party she went too. So don't eat it. You don't have too be rude too the people putting on the birthday party. After all it wasn't about you.

If I have learned one thing in my 66 years of life, is that if you don't like something fine. Then keep it too yourself or stay really far away from that person. Yes I know sometimes we get stuck with them even when we would rather be some where else. I remember Emily post saying that the way too be a lady or gentleman was too make sure you didn't make other people uncomfortable. Isn't it something that a lot of people have forgotten how to be polite.

Ros

Why do you ask?

It happen again today. A phone call, and of course how are you doing. Then right on before my mouth could open the purpose of the call. It doesn't matter really, even when the phone call dragged on for almost 2 hours. It was all about them and asking me what should they do? I try too give what information I think will help them, but really they need to listen and just go to whom I tell them too go too. Sigh It is the way it is.

I am fine by the way. I finally painted the front bedroom, and got it back to gether again. Now I can stop beating my self up for not making myself get too it sooner. I will take a bit for me too get use too the color. I can't decide if I like it or not. No matter I am not about too paint it again for some time too come.

Everyone is coming here to my house for Thanksgiving and I have been trying too decide the menu. I have too laugh at some of the things I have fixed for Thanksgiving. Pizza, ham sandwiches, and a few other things. Yet everyone seemed to agree that they liked what I fixed. Lack of money? NO. Just lack of wanting too cook a great deal after working all week. Easy. Lazy what ever. Still I believe it is all about family being together and spending that special time with each other. This year we will have an empty chair. Am I sad? Not like you would think. Although I feel these waves come over me of wanting too cry, but it doesn't happen. I really am happier with life than most would think. It hit me the other day as I paid my taxes that I didn't owe anyone any thing. That all was mine and I could do what ever I like for the first time in my life. It is alright even though I miss Jim. It is just different and not a bad different. I have accepted life for what it is now, and I see the good in my life. It is good, I am good.

Roz