Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Faith, trust, love and other things.

I have always had faith in God. It seems it has always been a part of my everyday life. I don't talk about my faith much or my belief in God. I believe either you believe in God or you don't. That talking about it doesn't make your belief any more real than my own. We have been given free well, and having free well is too allow us too make mistakes and learn from them. I don't blame God for my mistakes or the bad things that happen in my life. You choice a path and it is up too you if you do right or wrong. Blaming some else for your mistakes or problems is just childish.

Trust is really a difficult part of life these days. I think because we hear so much that is bad going on all over the world. Things that when I was younger you never knew about, and the truth of the matter it is unlikely that you could even do anything about the bad things that happen too others anyway. We hear so much negative stuff on facebook, the Internet etc. It is hard too sort out what is truth and what is just someones imagination getting away from them. Maybe some just want bad things too happen so they can be right. Sometimes it is people just trying too use fear too get you too buy a product. Fear is something that holds so many of us back from moving forward or doing the right thing. I hate it when someone tries too use fear too influence my decisions about what is best for me.

I don't like not feeling in control of my life. It has always been a battle for me. Over coming my self doubts, and fears. Every time I do over come these feelings the more I feel in control the better I feel about myself.

Love? Just what is love? Caring about another more than yourself? Taking care of them? I believe there is more than one kind of love. Love of your children, love of your mate, love of your family, love of your country, love of nature, and love of pets. Love makes us feel good about ourselves. Love make use complete. Love is a mixed bag of feelings for so many different reasons, and last but not least love is a good thing. It makes us care about others.

Politics? Can I say I am sick too death over all of the garbage we hear. Sick too death of all of the fear generated by each party. I feel like screaming, SHUT UP ALREADY! We get how you feel. Not all of us see things your way and I don't believe most of us every well. I see things coming from my life experiences, and I am sure they are different than yours.

On the widow front. I am growing and understanding myself and how my life is now. Everyday is better as time goes bye. I have had too just let some things go, and that is a good thing. It is a part of growing and becoming who I am meant too be now. As one of my friends says, I am a butterfly emerging from my cocoon. Changing ever changing.


Friday, November 30, 2012


I got an e-mail from my congressman yesterday. So I wrote him back, and told him of my concerns. Over the years I have watched a lot of people come and go. Some I was glad too see go, and others? I liked them for keeping in mind that they were elected too that office by people like me. All I ever wanted them too do was the right thing.

I can't say that I minded paying my taxes. I would look at the amount taken out of mine and Jim's paycheck and think of all of the things I could use that money for too keep our family going. Politicians seem too forget for all their words that they are suppose too be working for you and me. They forget that even though we do not have a lot of money. That it is people like us who keep this country running. We are the ones who get their children too school and back home safe. We are the ones who fix things, build things, stand behind checkout counters, fill the shelves and do all of those little things that need too be done.

I was brought up too believe that no matter the job you held. That you do it and be proud of your work. It has always been OK with me that I was not rich. I am happy with my little house, and what I have worked for over the years. I do resent people saying the poor are a burden on society. No we are not. If not for us this country would come too a grinding halt.

Who would protect this country if not for all the privates in the military? The rich are welcome too have what they have, but while we are keeping this country going and protecting them so they can be rich. They need too pay their fair share. Just because I am not rich. Doesn't mean that I am stupid. I am who I want too be, I live the way I do because it is how I want too live.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Feeling more myself.

I thought I knew what too expect when Jim was in his last days. Thought I was ready, and knew all of the steps for grieving. I could get through this easy, no problem. Right? Wrong!

What I didn't expect was other people's greed. Those who were right there welling too take advantage of you. Boy was that a big disappointment. The ones who disappeared when you needed someone too just hold your hand. Should have known, should have expected it.

Didn't expect my younger son with mental problems too fall apart like he did. Yet he did, and he has been in and out of the hospital off and on the last year. At last we seem too be making some head way with him and his illness. That sure kept knocking me off my feet for the last year. He just gave up and it has been a battle just keeping him alive.

Then the older son who reached that age, and started too wonder if his choice of what he wanted too be was the right one. Disappointment with where he was at with his job and life. Depression. Moving in with me too give him time too think about reflect on his life. Giving him time too decided and just find himself and his courage too move ahead.

Then there was my doublts about myself. What did I want, and who did I want too be just friends with, and all the things one must accept when facing a life, with out the other person. The one who knew you better than even your own mother. The one you would fight with, make love with, and just put up with every day.

I keep telling myself, and the boys. That what is important is that we have each other, and that we love one another. Some how the three of us will get through things together, because of that love, and because we care about each other.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The more I think about it.

I can't say that I have stopped looking for someone, but the likely hood of that happening is pretty slim too none. Call me picky, call me full of myself, but here is my reasons for being so darn picky.
It is a biological fact that we are attracted too nice looking people. I can't say that I don't have my faults, because I do. Then there is personality. I can't help or want too change how I view things.

Jim and me didn't start off our life together looking like crap. We both were nice looking people and were attracted too each other. Then we got too know each other and liked each other, and then we fell in love.

It is a little hard to explain to others that being together and caring about one another makes a big difference in how one looks. You tend too except the changes that come with age, because you still are the same person and you both are going through the same bodily changes.

It maybe is shallow of me in some ways, but if I was too find someone else. I would want too be attracted too them and like them. I would also like them too be attracted too me and like me too. I want a relationship that is a two way street. No games please. Not interested fine. We don't even have too be friends.

I dated enough in my younger years before Jim. Too know. That not every person you date or meet is going too be the right person. I have pretty much decided, that if I find someone good. If not, well. I can be OK with that too.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Some place quiet for my thoughts.

I have spent a lot of time in  my thoughts this last year. Trying too decide what I want too do with the rest of my life. I have tried getting out and meeting people and doing things, but I feel lost. Some how in the years I was a care giver for Jim. I lost something, and now I feel empty. My purpose in life is gone.

A friend of mine who lost her husband a couple of years ago. Says she is reinventing herself, and starting anew. My problem is who do I want too become. I don't know.

When I was younger life stretched endlessly onward, and I had loads of time too make things right. Plenty of time too do things. I thought I wanted too do, plenty of time for everything. Now? It is different.

I can come up with a long list of things I don't want. I don't want too move into another place.
I would like too date, but that list of who I want too date and what I want from a date is long. Most of what I don't want it seems too me is common sense. I will not date a person involved in drugs. I don't do drugs and I don't want too be around them. Drinking is alright, unless that person can't get through a day without drinking. I don't know how too meet someone new.

Sure I know you just have too put yourself out there, but where do you put yourself out there?  It seems like everyone I know is years younger than me, and I don't expect some young guy too be interested in me. Nor do I think I would be interested in them.

Maybe the problem is that I am still feeling a little tender still from my lose of Jim.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

On the road again.

I am tired tonight. Been traveling this last week. First too stay with a niece and her family. She put me up for the night so I would not have too get up early too travel a long ways too pick up a friend at the airport. After picking up my friend we drove about 120 miles too her son's house too see her new baby grandson. We stayed at a motel close too her son the first night. Then drove a couple of hundred miles too Eureka Springs Ark. We stayed at a hotel that was built over a hundred years ago right in the center of Eureka Springs downtown. If you look at my facebook page you will see some pictures that I took of my trip.

We did the spa thing which I haven't decide was worth it or not. I thought the hotel was creepy, not very comfortable. Clean enough but for what you got rather expensive. The next day we went back too the little close town too where her son lives. We spent the night at the hotel, and visited with her son, and family. Then I drove home. It was a very long drive. She stayed for a few more days.

I did see some pretty country and met some very nice people. I also got too experience a ride on a fair boat. That takes you and your vehicle across Bull Shoals lake. I had never done that before and it was a free ride. Thanks too Ark.

I may go too Branson with some of my friends the end of this month. Then where will I go? I haven't decided as yet. It depends on the weather and if I have the money. I have a few places in mind now that I have my passport. I just want too make sure I have enough too enjoy myself without worrying.

So there you have it. I plan too clean the house, get caught up on things, and just take it easy.


Sunday, August 19, 2012

Rolled up the carpet.

Some times I think everyone has locked up and gone home. Then on the other hand it could be because I haven't been around for so long. Then it could be that everyone seems to be over on facebook. Not that I have all that many friends over there or write much on facebook.

I drove over too see my younger son today. He is at a special care center for people with disabilities. The kind of people that would wander off if not watched 24/7. It really is not a bad place, clean, small, and in a small town. That if you didn't keep an eye out for the signs saying what town it is, you could blow right through it in 5 min or less.  Little ways down from the care center is the Missouri river. That you can see when you turn into the drive at this place. My son says you can hear the river rushing bye and the sounds of the trains as they pass through town. Peaceful, small town, with country people running the place. People who seem too give a damn about the people in there care. I took him some of this things and some snacks. You know how guys are about food. He is no different in that respect. He was clean, shaved, and his hair was neat. That says a lot about the place.

I have been trying too get the yard cleaned up. It is once again a big mess. What with all of this damn hot weather, it has been impossible too get outside and take care of things. It also didn't help that this was the year of the flea's. Damn things were all over the place. Just about anyone that had a dog or cat, and maybe a few that didn't had too go too war with the things. I had a lawn service come and spray the yard, and treated the dogs, the house and just about everything around here including my truck and the car. It is a wonder that I didn't poison all of us including the dogs. The lawn service will be back out in the fall too treat again. Maybe I can get it under control for next. At least it seems like I have it under control.

I applied for my passport and I am waiting for it too arrive. Then I need too see if I can gather up some money too go some where interesting, and maybe even fun. I feel lonely sometimes, but really don't seem too know what too do about it. Once upon a time when I was young. It didn't seem to be a problem. I think sometimes, it is because I was married for so many years that I don't have a clue as too where anyone my age hangs out. Maybe most of them are just too old and sick too hang out anymore. Plus I think there is so many of us old women around, that if a healthy old guy showed up some where. You could get killed or injured in the stampede too grab the guy.