Saturday, January 15, 2011

Floating away.

I think too much and when I do that, I upset myself. Yesterday I was thinking about Jim and all that we have been through with all of this medical stuff. Hard to believe it has been 16 years since we started on this journey. Who would have known. That he would be able to live through all of the things that have happen to him. Not me for sure.

Still he stays never letting go of this life that we share. Even now when they tell him nothing is left too do. Each morning he gets up. Lets the dog out, and goes out and gets the paper. Every day I wonder if this will be the last.

It is as if a little bit of our souls drift away each day, and I feel as if I am floating away. When he is gone it will be as if my other half has gone, and I don't know how too deal with it. He has always been my rock. Keeping my feet planted firmly on the ground. When he is gone. Will I be able to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground? Can I keep from becoming lost in a sea of self pity and grief? Will my heart mend?

I think sometimes I shouldn't think about these things, but in the dark of the night. I can't help myself. Wondering what my life will be like with out him. No it is not my intent too be a drama queen. One of those whose later years is spent gathering pity for oneself. I don't want that for my older years. Yes I have heard and been given tons of advise, and I have listen. I truly have listen.

Yet each of us is different and our needs are different. I think what works well for one. May not work well for another. So I am left wondering about what life has in store for me after he is gone.

So now is the waiting time, and the sharing of what we have left. I don't know how long this dying things takes, or even how close it might be. Some days I want it all too be over, and then other days. I think all of it has been way too short, and we need more time. I suppose the best thing too do is just take care of this day, because I have not been given a choice.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

47 Years of marriage.

Well Jim and me made it too 47 years of marriage today. I have no idea how we did it. Could it be love? Could it be because we are stubborn? Could it be because we don't like change? Could it be because it was easier than getting a divoce? Could it be because both of us were too lazy for one of us to move out? Could it be because it was easier just too work all of the time and ignore each other? Maybe the sex was good? Maybe we just liked each other?

I think it could be all of the above at one time or the other. What ever the reason here we are 47 years later still together. Looking out for each other and doing most of the time good things for each other. I don't know about this love thing forever. You sort of slow down in old age. We don't yell at each other these days. Seems like a waste of energy, and pointless. If I don't like something that he is doing. I just go find something else to spend my time doing. I find it a lot easier just too ignore things I don't like. You sure are not going to change the man now. Just like he gave up trying to change me. Either you take each other just as you find that person, or you just get out.

One more thing. How do you know if you do find someone else, if that person might not be a whole lot worse than the one you already are with now? That green grass on the other side of the fence could have a lot of poison ivy growing in it.