Rolled up the carpet.

Some times I think everyone has locked up and gone home. Then on the other hand it could be because I haven't been around for so long. Then it could be that everyone seems to be over on facebook. Not that I have all that many friends over there or write much on facebook.

I drove over too see my younger son today. He is at a special care center for people with disabilities. The kind of people that would wander off if not watched 24/7. It really is not a bad place, clean, small, and in a small town. That if you didn't keep an eye out for the signs saying what town it is, you could blow right through it in 5 min or less.  Little ways down from the care center is the Missouri river. That you can see when you turn into the drive at this place. My son says you can hear the river rushing bye and the sounds of the trains as they pass through town. Peaceful, small town, with country people running the place. People who seem too give a damn about the people in there care. I took him some of this things and some snacks. You know how guys are about food. He is no different in that respect. He was clean, shaved, and his hair was neat. That says a lot about the place.

I have been trying too get the yard cleaned up. It is once again a big mess. What with all of this damn hot weather, it has been impossible too get outside and take care of things. It also didn't help that this was the year of the flea's. Damn things were all over the place. Just about anyone that had a dog or cat, and maybe a few that didn't had too go too war with the things. I had a lawn service come and spray the yard, and treated the dogs, the house and just about everything around here including my truck and the car. It is a wonder that I didn't poison all of us including the dogs. The lawn service will be back out in the fall too treat again. Maybe I can get it under control for next. At least it seems like I have it under control.

I applied for my passport and I am waiting for it too arrive. Then I need too see if I can gather up some money too go some where interesting, and maybe even fun. I feel lonely sometimes, but really don't seem too know what too do about it. Once upon a time when I was young. It didn't seem to be a problem. I think sometimes, it is because I was married for so many years that I don't have a clue as too where anyone my age hangs out. Maybe most of them are just too old and sick too hang out anymore. Plus I think there is so many of us old women around, that if a healthy old guy showed up some where. You could get killed or injured in the stampede too grab the guy.

Roz

Hello

It has been months since I have posted here, but my thoughts of you who stay and write have often been in my thoughts. The

My younger son has been in and out of the hospital many times in the last nine months. I have or had been his guardian for these last seven years. Now I have had too let go of that and him. No he has not died, but has tried it more times then I wish too count. It has brought me much heartache and sadness. That I no longer can keep him safe. I no longer know what too  do. So I have given his care too the Public Administrators office. They have so many more resources and knowledge that I do not have at disposal. It has been very hard for me too let go, but it the best thing for him now. They can keep him safe and off the streets.

I have been working too rebuild my life. One would think that would be an easy project. The problem is all the years I spent caring for my son and Jim. If one is too have friends, you must attend too that friendship, and I just never had the time and sometimes not the well.

I have at least one very dear friend. She lost her husband a couple of years ago. The two of us have shared much over the years, and helped one another overcome some really rough spots in our lives. So on a happier note. We are off too see and do some things at the end of this month. A trip too see  her son's new baby and some time at a nice spa. Next year we are planning on a cruise.

My older son had helped a lot too. He has been here for me and I am most grateful. The two of us went on a float trip. Something that I never had the chance too do. It was a lovely experience floating down a beautiful clear river surrounded by green trees and high cliffs. So peaceful.

I don't know what normal is any longer for me and my life. I have always wanted too travel and believe that I should get on with it before I grow too old. My first step was too acquire my passport, which should be here in a few weeks. I am excited about having the freedom too go where ever I want in this vast world. Too see and do things I have always dreamed of doing.

When will I write again? I don't know. Know that you are in my thoughts.

Roz

Family and stuff.

Family and stuff have kept me busy. My oldest son is moving in for awhile with me. He brings along his girlfriend and their puppy. Oh my poor floors. Oh my poor house, and just when I almost have everything neat and in place. Oh well it will be OK. I think.

The back bedroom Steven and I painted this last week. It had not been painted in I don't know how many years, and looked awful. I am having a new rug put in, I hope soon. The store has the rug. I just have too wait on the guys who install too call and set a time. I also plan on getting a new bed for that room. I got rid of the old one when Jim passed away. Steven and his girlfriend are going too put their things in storage. Which we all agreed made it a lot easier. I would get the room done, and get a guess bedroom. When they leave. So I should have a place for others who come and visit a place to sleep.

My younger son is in the hospital. His medication was doing a bad number on his body, and we took it away. When we did that he had a mental break, and now we are working too get him back and on the right track. He is doing better and I think we may have the problem solved.

Christmas was nice. Steven and Cindy came over and fixed dinner. While they were doing that, I went up too see my younger son in the hospital. I wanted too spend at least a little time with him on Christmas and give him a gift. He seems too be doing so much better. Eating and sleeping better, and seems too be happier. Which is a relief, because I was very worried about him.

I didn't really feel too bad about Jim not being here on Christmas. Time is passing and life is moving on, and my feelings are becomming more settled as time goes bye. I don't really mind being single or on my own. In some ways after all that Jim and I went through it is kind of a relief not too see him suffer and worry about him all of the time. I enjoy my time listening too music and reading. Most of the time I feel at peace. Might not be that way when my son moves in too the house. I am sure it will be busy.

Roz

Comfort Zone.

I need to step outside my comfort zone. Get out and explore things. Funny how I thought that would be easy once Jim was gone. Not as easy as I thought. I keep thinking once this year is done and over with it will be somehow easier. Maybe a New Years resolution to start things anew.

Maybe the VA will finally start sending my widows benifit. That would settle a lot of things for me, and make it easier. Getting things out of the way from my old life takes time. I will be glad when I get on the other side of all of this.

Roz

Who am I?

I know that maybe a strange question, but so many things have changed in the last six months. That I have been thrown off balance. One I am no longer Jim's wife, or care giver. I am not a grandmother. I don't feel as old as my years. I have no idea where I am going and really what I want too do.

I know that I planned on traveling, but I can't seem to make any plans. It is hard for me just too make myself get out of the house. Then there is the question which I am sure is way too early to be even be thinking about, do I want a man in my life? My fear about that is being hurt. You get rather spoiled being married to one person so many years. It is so easy too take for granted that love, and them seeing you the way you like too be seen. I was really comfortable with Jim's perception of me.

I know the basic part of me is the same. Now though I am single, healthy, and I need something too keep me healthy. I really don't want too make emotional stupid mistakes. Right now my emotions are all over the place. One minute up the next minute weepy. What do I want? I want too be a strong, confident older woman.  Does any one have a guide book? Because at this point I could sure use one.

Ros

What are you worth?

Most people would think when you ask them that question. That you were asking how big a house they had or how many cars, or how much do they make. And they would be wrong.

I have known the guy down the street for years. I watched him struggle, and watched his kids grow up. Most people would just write Doug off as a loser, but I like Doug. Why? Will he doesn't throw rocks at my house or shoot up the neighborhood. Doug is the person too call when you need a tree cut down, or the drain unplugged. He knows everyone who is in the service industry. Honest people you can call to get a job done without it costing an arm or leg. I feel safe with Doug. He isn't out too hurt me or cause me any trouble. So what is Doug worth? He is worth a lot because he is a decent man.

Most of the people around here are just blue collar workers struggling to get by. They are good people like Jim next door who has a small patch of grass for a front yard. Who when he cuts it somehow always seems to get carried away and mows my little patch of grass too. I don't have any doubts that if I needed him or his wife they would be over here in a New York minute.

I stopped measuring people by what they had or didn't have a lot of years ago. Too me it isn't about what I can get from someone. It is about the comfort level I feel around them. I don't ask much from anyone I know. Be friendly don't throw rocks at my house or let the dogs out. Don't go creeping around my house at night. Don't try too fool me into giving you what I don't have too give. I don't have a lot, but it is mine by a lot of hard work.   If you are hungry or in need I will scrape something together and help you out. In return I will not throw rocks at your house, or break in and steal what you have worked so hard too get.

If you listen too the news and the politicians you would think everyone is lazy and out too get you. The truth is that this country has a lot of good decent hard working folk. They are the  ones who only ask that they be treated fairly, and not be judged. Life isn't always fair or easy when  you are just one of many. We may be looked upon as the unwashed masses of humanity, but in reality for the most part. We are people just trying to get along.
Ros

You can't have him.

I was talking with a friend and saying I wish I had Jim back that I miss him. That he was the only man I ever wanted. Then she said you can't have him. It made me want too cry. No I can't have him. So what now I ask myself. I don't have any answers. I just struggle along going through this grief process. Step by step. I think it is a pain in the ass, but you don't get a choice it is what you have too live through.

In a book I was reading a couple of days ago. One of the characters was talking about people dieing and how we miss them and they are gone for ever. One of the others said in the book. No they live on in our memories of the past. It is only time that separates us from them. I liked that idea. I see Jim in my mind as he was when we were young, and how we were together.

No one will ever love me the way Jim did, and I know I will not love someone else like I did him. So many years, so much living. Some good, some not so good. You don't always like the person you are with, but when things are hard you turn too them. For comfort, and support, and when that is no longer there, you wonder will anyone ever do for me the way he did. I miss that comfort and support. At my age that is something I think maybe pretty hard to fine. The acceptance even with all your flaws.

Jim always said I was beautiful, and I always told him he was blind. You grow old with someone and you ignore the things that happen too an ageing body. Because you love them, and it is still them. With others they see your flaws and you see theirs, and it is not the same. I never really was shy before about my ageing, but now it bothers me and what others see. I didn't feel old with Jim, but now I do. I think I would never be able to take my clothes off for another. I would worry that they would say something about the way I look. No I am not about too have a face lift or dye my hair. It is just something I don't care too do. Plus it may make you look younger, but you are still old inside. You know heart, muscles etc. You can't change that sort of thing. So I am stuck with myself wondering if I can ever get pass all that and into some kind of comfort zone.

I think about these things, as I try to move forward. If you want too know. No one has made that kind of move towards me. I really don't think I expect anyone too. Plus I wonder now what they want from me. You have to be careful. So it goes.

I am thinking that when, the VA finally gets my claim settled. That I might go back too school. I am thinking an art degree might suit me. Something that I might enjoy. I am allowed a four year degree. So even though I am at the age that I am. I just might go for it.

Ros