Mom?

I awoke this morning with the word mom sliding through my mind. For an instant it was as if she were calling too me. Ghost from the pass. Maybe the dead do stay with you and comfort you at the most unexpected times.

Even though Jim is not here I feel he is here in this house, and it gives me comfort knowing that maybe he has never really left. That somehow he is watching over me. Maybe it is just a way for my mind too find comfort in his being gone.

I am still trying too move ahead, but seem too be having a problem with it. I know I should be doing things like finishing the painting doing some more work outside. Yet I can't seem too make my self go too work on these things. Instead I find my mind wandering here and there never really landing on anything. I think that maybe it is the process that one goes through with grieving. A dam nuisance if you ask me.

Winter is coming and I wonder what that will mean. Will I hide away like a bear in a cave, or will I find the well too get out and live life. It is at times harder than one might think. The other thing is the waiting for things like my widows benefit too finally be settled. I know it will, it just takes time. Time that at my age seems too be wasted on this waiting, and waiting.

Then there is the waves of sadness  that hits me from time too time. I don't  cry much, because I have trained myself not too. Which in some ways makes things harder. It is as if I just let go I would somehow move on and feel better. Maybe I am just not ready too let go.

This is an experience I would not wish on anyone.

Roz

Thinking

I often think of all of you and this blog, but just can't seem too make myself write a single word. So how am I getting along? Not bad most of the time. I have my moments, but over all I have come to accept this new life of mine.

I could say that I miss Jim, but it seems as if this whole house is still full with his spirit, almost as if sometimes he never left. I took a day and went over too the cemetery after they said his headstone had been placed. I stayed for a couple of hours crying for him, and feeling lost. Then I drove too the old home place he grew up at, and? He wasn't there. Silly I suppose thinking the way I did that day. Wanting him too come home, and feeling as if I could not find him. When all along he really seems too be here in this house.

This grieving stuff is a pain. Yet it is something one goes through no matter what we want, or what we think. I feel a comfort being here in this old house. It is after all home.

At the beginning it seemed I had a need for others too be around. Then it has happen that, I have grown tried of all of the advise, and the meddling that others can't seem too keep from doing. You would think that I am a helpless child with no brain at all. No help for it but too tell a few too get on down the road. Maybe later I will regret my temper.

I am taking things slower now. Giving thought too what I really want to do with my life. I still do not feel a need to find someone else. Maybe it is too soon, or maybe what I see is not too my liking. Like I told my son. I am not a young woman anymore, and I don't need too have someone point that out too me. I don't want too care for another sick man or one who simply sees that being with me is an advantage for him. Too many have asked about what I intend too do with Jim's tools, and other things. So eager too help me dispose of them, and other things.

I always felt someone protected from the predators, but for awhile I felt exposed. So it is that I have let others know how I really feel, and that I am not one you can take advantage. People always with the greed. Sigh. So maybe my temper has really saved me from doing something stupid. I will take it slow and decide for myself what is best for me.

Ros

Raw

I was warned too watch out for feelings that would catch up too me. They do now and again and I feel melancholy at those times. Not that I wish too go back which too me would be rather stupid and pointless. It is just old feelings and flashes of things from the pass come unbidden. Making me sad, and always wondering in terms of what if's.

I suppose that when you get old these things happen even with out someone passing away. It is just that even though I have a lot I should be doing. I find myself sitting and staring off into no where. I will get up off my butt. Once I have wound my way through the maze of my mind. I am never sure what I will be when I come out the other side of this maze, but I don't think it will be the person I was when I wandered into that place.

Ted's doctor asked me one day about my feelings and how I was doing. That was before Jim passed away. Truth is I just was tired and wanted it too be over with at the time. I think whatever feelings I had were on vacation. I told him I didn't have time for feelings. He said I was only human and humans have feelings. Yes we do but sometimes you have too put them aside. Later like now they will come back and you will need like I am doing now. Sort them all out. Because they are in a heap that keeps tripping me up at unexpected times. Tedious is what it is, but another thing too be taken care of in my world.

Ros

Dusting this place off.

Once again it has been awhile since I have posted here on my blog. So what is going on in my life now? I have stopped smoking and plan too stay stopped this time. I also am cleaning up the house getting rid of stuff and fixing things up. It has been a big job, and I still have lots of work too do.

I am putting in a new floor, painting, and put in a new toilet and sink in the bathroom. I also have been working on the yard, but I still have tons of work too do outside. I also have the basement with all of Jim's tools and other things too sort out and sell.

Then there is my friends who try too keep me busy. Sometimes my son, and other family members. They were afraid at first that I would break, but I am a lot tougher than they expected. Plus I don't see much use in grieving about Jim. I think I did enough of that when he was alive.

I just want too get my life back to what I want, and move on. Find out who I am now days, and what old Ros really wants for herself. A friend said it was me trying too find my self again. Surprises about me? Yes. I have surprised myself. I really like girl, girl things. I have too laugh at the tough little chick with her blue jeans, and hand me that wrench. I can do it myself. Who would have thought that I would be painting my bedroom lavender or wanted all fluffy pink towels? Not me. So I guess we all have a hidden interself. I am doing good.

Ros

Wrapping it up.

My life has been busy these last few weeks and months. Now I am winding things down and finishing up business. So much paper work, and so much you have too take care of and decide when someone has passed away.

Things have gone pretty smooth. Thanks too all of the planning we did before Jim passed. I just more or less followed my list marking off things. I am almost finished with most of it. Now it well be about taking care of my day to day life.

Thank goodness for all of my friends and support they have given me. I really don't know how I would have made it. They listen to me when I thought I just couldn't take things anymore. They were there with their encouragement and a shoulder to cry on. All of them have given me so much love that I feel filled up and over flowing with it. It just blows me away. I think how in the world did I deserve such friends?

Jim's family has also been great. I sure can't complain about any of them. They did Jim proud by showing up and giving such loving support too me and the boys. Both of which did really well. My older son gave the eulogy and I was so proud of him. He did a wonderful job. It was lovely and respective. The Leavenworth National Cem. is beautiful and so well kept. I am glad I decided to put Jim too rest in that lovely place. The boys and myself will be laid to rest next too Jim when our time comes. Which is a comfort. Jim never had a chance of getting away from me at least not for long or very far away. LOL Not that I plan on joining him very soon.

I still have things too see and things too do. My dance card seems to be filling up fast with so many people too see and things too do.I still am looking forward too a day just for me. I am sad, happy, and relieved all at the same time. Excited about life and sad that Jim can not enjoy it with me. So it goes. Life just rolls along.

Ros

Jim doesn't live here anymore.

Some of you may already know that Jim passed away July 12Th. Tomorrow we have the funeral at the Leavenworth National Cemetery. My son Steven will give the eulogy for his father.Which seems so right on so many levels.

At times I feel sad, and at other times I am glad that all of this sickness and his suffering is done. I well move on with my life, because as we all know life is for the living. I will always hold Jim in my heart. I will cry for him, and I will raise my fist too the heavens and yell at him. I know that he left me better prepared than most. Worries about money and medical care are all taken care of for me. He wanted too make sure that I would be OK.

I know at times I will not be OK. I will learn too live alone and take charge of my life. It has been a journey for me. Some parts very happy, other parts very sad. Yet if you asked me would I have chosen some one else too make this journey with in this life? I would tell you no.

We had a bond between us, and we had a love that I could never have had with another man. It was always as if we were suppose too be with each other, and as strange as it may seem. Nothing could break us apart except his death. It is a rare thing too find what we had together. It is hard to explain too others. Because at times we hated each other, and at other times we loved each other so much it hurt. All of it was Jim and me. It was always about the two of us. Others can come and go in your life, but Jim mmm what can I say. I loved him.

Ros

Time passes

It seems that every few months I creep in here, and take a look around. Then flee away too do other things. I really don't want to give anything much thought and it has kept me from writing here in my little space.

What does one say or report too others. That much has not changed. That I feel worn, and at times depressed.

Who would have thought that sixteen years would have passed by so fast. Since that day that Jim was told he was ill. Who would have thought that he would even still be alive? I remember all that we went through that first year, and my thinking. That I needed to get my life in order, because I was very likely to be alone. Yet here we are sixteen years later and he is still with me. Not what I expected.

It feels as if I have been holding my breath all of this time. Waiting, and waiting for it all too end. Yet here we are still. Others would tell me too count my blessings, but watching him go through all of what he has gone through over these years it is almost more than I can endure. It is like the drip, drip of water upon a stone. Taking for ever to make even a difference. Yet watching him go from youthful to a shadow of himself.

Once a strong man, now a man who can not do much at all. Once a man with muscle and strength, all bone, and hanging skin. Who labors so hard with each breath. I wonder how does he do it? How does he still believe that he will some how get better?

I know that all of the above is going on. Yet I hid as much as I can from myself. Immersing myself self in other things. Setting myself apart so that I do not feel the pain. Still every once in awhile I am forced too surface and face the realities of life.

Life goes on. Things need too be done. Lawns mowed, trips too the store, all of the everyday things that must be taken care of in our lifer's. When he takes his shirt off, I can't help but look away. When I see him in his bath. I want too look away. Who is this man that is in my house? Where did he come from? This is not my Jim. The one I loved, fought with, and raised children. Yet I know that it is him and it breaks my heart.

So I turn my head and I immerse myself in other things. Because not too do so it way too painful.

Ros