Floating away.

I think too much and when I do that, I upset myself. Yesterday I was thinking about Jim and all that we have been through with all of this medical stuff. Hard to believe it has been 16 years since we started on this journey. Who would have known. That he would be able to live through all of the things that have happen to him. Not me for sure.

Still he stays never letting go of this life that we share. Even now when they tell him nothing is left too do. Each morning he gets up. Lets the dog out, and goes out and gets the paper. Every day I wonder if this will be the last.

It is as if a little bit of our souls drift away each day, and I feel as if I am floating away. When he is gone it will be as if my other half has gone, and I don't know how too deal with it. He has always been my rock. Keeping my feet planted firmly on the ground. When he is gone. Will I be able to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground? Can I keep from becoming lost in a sea of self pity and grief? Will my heart mend?

I think sometimes I shouldn't think about these things, but in the dark of the night. I can't help myself. Wondering what my life will be like with out him. No it is not my intent too be a drama queen. One of those whose later years is spent gathering pity for oneself. I don't want that for my older years. Yes I have heard and been given tons of advise, and I have listen. I truly have listen.

Yet each of us is different and our needs are different. I think what works well for one. May not work well for another. So I am left wondering about what life has in store for me after he is gone.

So now is the waiting time, and the sharing of what we have left. I don't know how long this dying things takes, or even how close it might be. Some days I want it all too be over, and then other days. I think all of it has been way too short, and we need more time. I suppose the best thing too do is just take care of this day, because I have not been given a choice.

Ros

47 Years of marriage.

Well Jim and me made it too 47 years of marriage today. I have no idea how we did it. Could it be love? Could it be because we are stubborn? Could it be because we don't like change? Could it be because it was easier than getting a divoce? Could it be because both of us were too lazy for one of us to move out? Could it be because it was easier just too work all of the time and ignore each other? Maybe the sex was good? Maybe we just liked each other?

I think it could be all of the above at one time or the other. What ever the reason here we are 47 years later still together. Looking out for each other and doing most of the time good things for each other. I don't know about this love thing forever. You sort of slow down in old age. We don't yell at each other these days. Seems like a waste of energy, and pointless. If I don't like something that he is doing. I just go find something else to spend my time doing. I find it a lot easier just too ignore things I don't like. You sure are not going to change the man now. Just like he gave up trying to change me. Either you take each other just as you find that person, or you just get out.

One more thing. How do you know if you do find someone else, if that person might not be a whole lot worse than the one you already are with now? That green grass on the other side of the fence could have a lot of poison ivy growing in it.

Roz

End of the year already?

Just a few more days and we will be trying to see the New Year in again. I don't know where the time goes.

Jim is hanging in there, but has lost a lot of weight. We will see his cancer doctor this coming month. We had talked about chemo for him, but I don't think we will be doing chemo. Jim and me are now in the part of this journey. Where quality of life is the most important thing too both of us. It doesn't make sense to make his last days miserable. When nothing will cure anything.

So we get up every day get dressed, put the dog out, read the paper and talk about this and that thing. We try to face each day as a normal every day thing. Some days he can do more, and other days he sleeps a lot. Some days he feels pretty well, and other days he doesn't.

We had a nice Christmas this year. My older son and his girlfriend went over and got my younger son and took him back later. We exchanged gifts, and had a nice dinner. Everyone seem to enjoy themselves, and they were happy. So I had a nice Christmas.

Next thing up for Jim and me is our wedding anniversary. We will have been married 47 years January 5Th. That seems like a lot of years, and it has gone really faster than I expected. Plus it seems to have been crammed full of lots of living. One minute you are young and the next minute you are old.

I will try to get back here from time too time. Right now. I am just spending as much time as I can with Jim.

Ros

As always.

I finally got around to scrubbing the bathroom. Ceiling, walls, tiles and floors. I just couldn't stand it anymore and had to make myself get it done.

I bought Jim a Christmas tree cookie jar. I also filled it with his favorite candy. So now he has a Christmas tree, and I don't have too feel bad about not going out and buying a real one or artificial tree. I am not a Christmas person. I think growing up in my family and all of the teasing and other nonsense ruined it for me. Plus Jim had to be the worlds worst gift giver. God love him, but he was an idiot in our younger days.

I know, I know Christmas isn't about gifts etc. I have heard it all, but when you go all year doing with out. You just want one day when you get something, anything, that you might like, or when someone asks you what your husband got you? That you don't have too say something like, he gave me, a mop and bucket. Then of course they have too show you the new diamond ring or what ever their loving husband got them. It was like my husband loves me more than your husband loves you. What ever. At least my floors are cleaner than your floors. So there, take that you witch. Hope you wind up in divorce court, and have too make a living scrubbing some one else floors.

Now when I look back it was all kind of funny in a strange sort of way. I would tell Jim what I wanted and he would give me some off the wall gift. I would write down my size for everything and he still could not get it right. So you can guess after all of these years, and all of the tears and yelling. He finally when I finally gave up on his gift giving. He went off and bought me this expensive ruby and diamond necklace. I just looked at it and didn't know what too say. I just kept thinking don't say anything, don't dig yourself a hole you can't get out of.

I know you think I am nuts, but I kept thinking why after all of these years. When I am old and don't give a shit about this sort of thing. You buy something like this for a gift. It wasn't about what a gift cost. It was about a gift too someone you love. All it ever had too be was something sweet and thoughtful. It could have been a single rose, or just a little love note. Just something that meant. I really do love you. Of course I know he loves me. I just wanted him too show me, and say it in a nice way.

I know we women are silly that way, but even if I am wrinkled, gray, and old. I still like too be told or shown that I am loved. I sure needed that when I was younger and had spent a day with dirty diapers and thrown up spit all over me. It is way too easy too take each other for granted.

Ros

Pictures

That person on the left with the gray shirt is me. This was taken on my trip too Branson Missouri. The trip I went on with classmates and wives of clasemates. Dam they are an old looking bunch of kids.

Ros

Quiet Corner

Sometimes I feel this need for a quiet corner of the world too think and reflect. So often I write for myself and not for others. Not that I don't want too see or hear from others, but sometimes peace and quiet is nice.

It has been busy in some ways for me. I made a trip down too Branson Missouri and enjoyed a day or two with old friends that I went too school with years ago. It was good for me too touch base with others and catch up on their lives. Funny every time I envy someone for their life. I find out that mine is in my mind better.

I have found that I am interested in others and wish them well, but do I want too go about living my life the way they do? No is the answer too that question. I am who I am and they are who they are, and my needs and wants are different.

My friend who lost her husband is getting on with her life. She has been dating, and going out, and even has a new job. She tells me that she is happy. So of course I am not hearing as much from her, and that is to be expected. I am happy for her.

All of this brings too mind. What I want from life when Jim is no longer with me. The truth is I don't know for sure, and have decided that these things will come too me all in time. I am not my friend, and in so many ways we are different. I have lived a very different kind of life then she has lived.

I listen to a female classmate who has been married to her husband since shortly after we graduated. She has not been happy, and now he is very sick and living in a nursing home. She complains about being lonely, but has rejected my offer of friendship. I don't take it personal, because once again I have lived a different life.

I don't think I realized until this trip how full my life has been. How many things I have done and how much I have accomplished in my life. I always worried too much about what others would think of me. When in fact it doesn't make much difference. I really don't feel any regrets, even if others would like me too feel that way.

My hope is that I will find a way to handle any emotional issues, I might have concerning Jim if he should go before me. Which is likely. I know one way or the other I will find my way. I hope that life brings me an adventure to grow and learn from.

Ros

Trying to stay awake.

It has gotten cold here in Missouri, and I still have pleanty to do outside. Sigh. I need to bring some plants in before the big freeze tonight. I also need to take the trash out. Not something I like doing, but it will get done.

Had to buy a new light for the dinning room, as the one in that one is popping and smoking. Not good. So I hopped on over too the local Lowe's store and got a new light. We spend a lot of time in that room, watching TV, reading etc. You would think we didn't have a living room at all. The living room doesn't seem to get much use these days. Only when I want to watch something different then Jim does. We have TV's in both rooms. Jim likes the dinning room.

The teenage girl next door has been coming over and helping Jim with his garden. Planting those rose bushes he bought, and he plans to get her to plant some bulbs today. I think she is a little spooked being alone at home. So she comes and hangs out with us until her dad gets home. We like her so no problem.

Ros