roz- babe

Family and stuff.

2011-12-26T12:17:00.000-08:00

Family and stuff have kept me busy. My oldest son is moving in for awhile with me. He brings along his girlfriend and their puppy. Oh my poor floors. Oh my poor house, and just when I almost have everything neat and in place. Oh well it will be OK. I think.

The back bedroom Steven and I painted this last week. It had not been painted in I don't know how many years, and looked awful. I am having a new rug put in, I hope soon. The store has the rug. I just have too wait on the guys who install too call and set a time. I also plan on getting a new bed for that room. I got rid of the old one when Jim passed away. Steven and his girlfriend are going too put their things in storage. Which we all agreed made it a lot easier. I would get the room done, and get a guess bedroom. When they leave. So I should have a place for others who come and visit a place to sleep.

My younger son is in the hospital. His medication was doing a bad number on his body, and we took it away. When we did that he had a mental break, and now we are working too get him back and on the right track. He is doing better and I think we may have the problem solved.

Christmas was nice. Steven and Cindy came over and fixed dinner. While they were doing that, I went up too see my younger son in the hospital. I wanted too spend at least a little time with him on Christmas and give him a gift. He seems too be doing so much better. Eating and sleeping better, and seems too be happier. Which is a relief, because I was very worried about him.

I didn't really feel too bad about Jim not being here on Christmas. Time is passing and life is moving on, and my feelings are becomming more settled as time goes bye. I don't really mind being single or on my own. In some ways after all that Jim and I went through it is kind of a relief not too see him suffer and worry about him all of the time. I enjoy my time listening too music and reading. Most of the time I feel at peace. Might not be that way when my son moves in too the house. I am sure it will be busy.

Roz

Comfort Zone.

2011-12-17T09:57:00.000-08:00

I need to step outside my comfort zone. Get out and explore things. Funny how I thought that would be easy once Jim was gone. Not as easy as I thought. I keep thinking once this year is done and over with it will be somehow easier. Maybe a New Years resolution to start things anew.

Maybe the VA will finally start sending my widows benifit. That would settle a lot of things for me, and make it easier. Getting things out of the way from my old life takes time. I will be glad when I get on the other side of all of this.

Roz

Who am I?

2011-12-16T10:20:00.000-08:00

I know that maybe a strange question, but so many things have changed in the last six months. That I have been thrown off balance. One I am no longer Jim's wife, or care giver. I am not a grandmother. I don't feel as old as my years. I have no idea where I am going and really what I want too do.

I know that I planned on traveling, but I can't seem to make any plans. It is hard for me just too make myself get out of the house. Then there is the question which I am sure is way too early to be even be thinking about, do I want a man in my life? My fear about that is being hurt. You get rather spoiled being married to one person so many years. It is so easy too take for granted that love, and them seeing you the way you like too be seen. I was really comfortable with Jim's perception of me.

I know the basic part of me is the same. Now though I am single, healthy, and I need something too keep me healthy. I really don't want too make emotional stupid mistakes. Right now my emotions are all over the place. One minute up the next minute weepy. What do I want? I want too be a strong, confident older woman. Does any one have a guide book? Because at this point I could sure use one.

Ros

What are you worth?

2011-12-01T10:14:00.000-08:00

Most people would think when you ask them that question. That you were asking how big a house they had or how many cars, or how much do they make. And they would be wrong.

I have known the guy down the street for years. I watched him struggle, and watched his kids grow up. Most people would just write Doug off as a loser, but I like Doug. Why? Will he doesn't throw rocks at my house or shoot up the neighborhood. Doug is the person too call when you need a tree cut down, or the drain unplugged. He knows everyone who is in the service industry. Honest people you can call to get a job done without it costing an arm or leg. I feel safe with Doug. He isn't out too hurt me or cause me any trouble. So what is Doug worth? He is worth a lot because he is a decent man.

Most of the people around here are just blue collar workers struggling to get by. They are good people like Jim next door who has a small patch of grass for a front yard. Who when he cuts it somehow always seems to get carried away and mows my little patch of grass too. I don't have any doubts that if I needed him or his wife they would be over here in a New York minute.

I stopped measuring people by what they had or didn't have a lot of years ago. Too me it isn't about what I can get from someone. It is about the comfort level I feel around them. I don't ask much from anyone I know. Be friendly don't throw rocks at my house or let the dogs out. Don't go creeping around my house at night. Don't try too fool me into giving you what I don't have too give. I don't have a lot, but it is mine by a lot of hard work. If you are hungry or in need I will scrape something together and help you out. In return I will not throw rocks at your house, or break in and steal what you have worked so hard too get.

If you listen too the news and the politicians you would think everyone is lazy and out too get you. The truth is that this country has a lot of good decent hard working folk. They are the ones who only ask that they be treated fairly, and not be judged. Life isn't always fair or easy when you are just one of many. We may be looked upon as the unwashed masses of humanity, but in reality for the most part. We are people just trying to get along.
Ros

You can't have him.

2011-11-30T10:03:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a friend and saying I wish I had Jim back that I miss him. That he was the only man I ever wanted. Then she said you can't have him. It made me want too cry. No I can't have him. So what now I ask myself. I don't have any answers. I just struggle along going through this grief process. Step by step. I think it is a pain in the ass, but you don't get a choice it is what you have too live through.

In a book I was reading a couple of days ago. One of the characters was talking about people dieing and how we miss them and they are gone for ever. One of the others said in the book. No they live on in our memories of the past. It is only time that separates us from them. I liked that idea. I see Jim in my mind as he was when we were young, and how we were together.

No one will ever love me the way Jim did, and I know I will not love someone else like I did him. So many years, so much living. Some good, some not so good. You don't always like the person you are with, but when things are hard you turn too them. For comfort, and support, and when that is no longer there, you wonder will anyone ever do for me the way he did. I miss that comfort and support. At my age that is something I think maybe pretty hard to fine. The acceptance even with all your flaws.

Jim always said I was beautiful, and I always told him he was blind. You grow old with someone and you ignore the things that happen too an ageing body. Because you love them, and it is still them. With others they see your flaws and you see theirs, and it is not the same. I never really was shy before about my ageing, but now it bothers me and what others see. I didn't feel old with Jim, but now I do. I think I would never be able to take my clothes off for another. I would worry that they would say something about the way I look. No I am not about too have a face lift or dye my hair. It is just something I don't care too do. Plus it may make you look younger, but you are still old inside. You know heart, muscles etc. You can't change that sort of thing. So I am stuck with myself wondering if I can ever get pass all that and into some kind of comfort zone.

I think about these things, as I try to move forward. If you want too know. No one has made that kind of move towards me. I really don't think I expect anyone too. Plus I wonder now what they want from me. You have to be careful. So it goes.

I am thinking that when, the VA finally gets my claim settled. That I might go back too school. I am thinking an art degree might suit me. Something that I might enjoy. I am allowed a four year degree. So even though I am at the age that I am. I just might go for it.

Ros

The Divia's

2011-11-29T09:47:00.000-08:00

Yes we all have them in our lives. You know the drama queens. Like so many holidays it seems they come out of the wood work. First it was my son's girlfriend who doesn't know it yet, but not be his girlfriend much longer. Sigh. We can only hope. She didn't like what I fixed for Thanksgiving. Maybe she should have stayed home?

Then there was the 62 year old widow's wedding. What a production that was with all the trimmings. So fine she can do what ever she wanted after all who am I too say anything. But I must admit it was a little much too have the wedding in the same church as the funeral of her late husband. The one in which, when they began too roll his casket out the door. She threw herself on the lid and sobbed uncontrollably. Aah the drama of it all.

Then there was too just fill up my weekend with more drama. The daughter who dropped by while I was at her mothers to use her bathroom. She is with child, and bad mother and me had been smoking. Of course we had too hear about our smoking and how she just could not stay and visit. No one asked her too stay or too even stop in. It isn't that her mother and I don't try to be considerate of others with our smoking. It is that her daughter made such a big deal about it, and I thought that was very rude. Just shut up and leave for heavens sake. I did have too laugh when her mother said that her daughter could not eat lunch meat because it was bad for the baby and made a big deal out of that too. It was being served at a birthday party she went too. So don't eat it. You don't have too be rude too the people putting on the birthday party. After all it wasn't about you.

If I have learned one thing in my 66 years of life, is that if you don't like something fine. Then keep it too yourself or stay really far away from that person. Yes I know sometimes we get stuck with them even when we would rather be some where else. I remember Emily post saying that the way too be a lady or gentleman was too make sure you didn't make other people uncomfortable. Isn't it something that a lot of people have forgotten how to be polite.

Ros

Why do you ask?

2011-11-16T18:27:00.000-08:00

It happen again today. A phone call, and of course how are you doing. Then right on before my mouth could open the purpose of the call. It doesn't matter really, even when the phone call dragged on for almost 2 hours. It was all about them and asking me what should they do? I try too give what information I think will help them, but really they need to listen and just go to whom I tell them too go too. Sigh It is the way it is.

I am fine by the way. I finally painted the front bedroom, and got it back to gether again. Now I can stop beating my self up for not making myself get too it sooner. I will take a bit for me too get use too the color. I can't decide if I like it or not. No matter I am not about too paint it again for some time too come.

Everyone is coming here to my house for Thanksgiving and I have been trying too decide the menu. I have too laugh at some of the things I have fixed for Thanksgiving. Pizza, ham sandwiches, and a few other things. Yet everyone seemed to agree that they liked what I fixed. Lack of money? NO. Just lack of wanting too cook a great deal after working all week. Easy. Lazy what ever. Still I believe it is all about family being together and spending that special time with each other. This year we will have an empty chair. Am I sad? Not like you would think. Although I feel these waves come over me of wanting too cry, but it doesn't happen. I really am happier with life than most would think. It hit me the other day as I paid my taxes that I didn't owe anyone any thing. That all was mine and I could do what ever I like for the first time in my life. It is alright even though I miss Jim. It is just different and not a bad different. I have accepted life for what it is now, and I see the good in my life. It is good, I am good.

Roz

Mom?

2011-10-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning with the word mom sliding through my mind. For an instant it was as if she were calling too me. Ghost from the pass. Maybe the dead do stay with you and comfort you at the most unexpected times.

Even though Jim is not here I feel he is here in this house, and it gives me comfort knowing that maybe he has never really left. That somehow he is watching over me. Maybe it is just a way for my mind too find comfort in his being gone.

I am still trying too move ahead, but seem too be having a problem with it. I know I should be doing things like finishing the painting doing some more work outside. Yet I can't seem too make my self go too work on these things. Instead I find my mind wandering here and there never really landing on anything. I think that maybe it is the process that one goes through with grieving. A dam nuisance if you ask me.

Winter is coming and I wonder what that will mean. Will I hide away like a bear in a cave, or will I find the well too get out and live life. It is at times harder than one might think. The other thing is the waiting for things like my widows benefit too finally be settled. I know it will, it just takes time. Time that at my age seems too be wasted on this waiting, and waiting.

Then there is the waves of sadness that hits me from time too time. I don't cry much, because I have trained myself not too. Which in some ways makes things harder. It is as if I just let go I would somehow move on and feel better. Maybe I am just not ready too let go.

This is an experience I would not wish on anyone.

Roz

Thinking

2011-10-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

I often think of all of you and this blog, but just can't seem too make myself write a single word. So how am I getting along? Not bad most of the time. I have my moments, but over all I have come to accept this new life of mine.

I could say that I miss Jim, but it seems as if this whole house is still full with his spirit, almost as if sometimes he never left. I took a day and went over too the cemetery after they said his headstone had been placed. I stayed for a couple of hours crying for him, and feeling lost. Then I drove too the old home place he grew up at, and? He wasn't there. Silly I suppose thinking the way I did that day. Wanting him too come home, and feeling as if I could not find him. When all along he really seems too be here in this house.

This grieving stuff is a pain. Yet it is something one goes through no matter what we want, or what we think. I feel a comfort being here in this old house. It is after all home.

At the beginning it seemed I had a need for others too be around. Then it has happen that, I have grown tried of all of the advise, and the meddling that others can't seem too keep from doing. You would think that I am a helpless child with no brain at all. No help for it but too tell a few too get on down the road. Maybe later I will regret my temper.

I am taking things slower now. Giving thought too what I really want to do with my life. I still do not feel a need to find someone else. Maybe it is too soon, or maybe what I see is not too my liking. Like I told my son. I am not a young woman anymore, and I don't need too have someone point that out too me. I don't want too care for another sick man or one who simply sees that being with me is an advantage for him. Too many have asked about what I intend too do with Jim's tools, and other things. So eager too help me dispose of them, and other things.

I always felt someone protected from the predators, but for awhile I felt exposed. So it is that I have let others know how I really feel, and that I am not one you can take advantage. People always with the greed. Sigh. So maybe my temper has really saved me from doing something stupid. I will take it slow and decide for myself what is best for me.

Ros

Raw

2011-09-01T17:08:00.000-07:00

I was warned too watch out for feelings that would catch up too me. They do now and again and I feel melancholy at those times. Not that I wish too go back which too me would be rather stupid and pointless. It is just old feelings and flashes of things from the pass come unbidden. Making me sad, and always wondering in terms of what if's.

I suppose that when you get old these things happen even with out someone passing away. It is just that even though I have a lot I should be doing. I find myself sitting and staring off into no where. I will get up off my butt. Once I have wound my way through the maze of my mind. I am never sure what I will be when I come out the other side of this maze, but I don't think it will be the person I was when I wandered into that place.

Ted's doctor asked me one day about my feelings and how I was doing. That was before Jim passed away. Truth is I just was tired and wanted it too be over with at the time. I think whatever feelings I had were on vacation. I told him I didn't have time for feelings. He said I was only human and humans have feelings. Yes we do but sometimes you have too put them aside. Later like now they will come back and you will need like I am doing now. Sort them all out. Because they are in a heap that keeps tripping me up at unexpected times. Tedious is what it is, but another thing too be taken care of in my world.

Ros

Dusting this place off.

2011-08-31T07:30:00.001-07:00

Once again it has been awhile since I have posted here on my blog. So what is going on in my life now? I have stopped smoking and plan too stay stopped this time. I also am cleaning up the house getting rid of stuff and fixing things up. It has been a big job, and I still have lots of work too do.

I am putting in a new floor, painting, and put in a new toilet and sink in the bathroom. I also have been working on the yard, but I still have tons of work too do outside. I also have the basement with all of Jim's tools and other things too sort out and sell.

Then there is my friends who try too keep me busy. Sometimes my son, and other family members. They were afraid at first that I would break, but I am a lot tougher than they expected. Plus I don't see much use in grieving about Jim. I think I did enough of that when he was alive.

I just want too get my life back to what I want, and move on. Find out who I am now days, and what old Ros really wants for herself. A friend said it was me trying too find my self again. Surprises about me? Yes. I have surprised myself. I really like girl, girl things. I have too laugh at the tough little chick with her blue jeans, and hand me that wrench. I can do it myself. Who would have thought that I would be painting my bedroom lavender or wanted all fluffy pink towels? Not me. So I guess we all have a hidden interself. I am doing good.

Ros

Wrapping it up.

2011-07-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

My life has been busy these last few weeks and months. Now I am winding things down and finishing up business. So much paper work, and so much you have too take care of and decide when someone has passed away.

Things have gone pretty smooth. Thanks too all of the planning we did before Jim passed. I just more or less followed my list marking off things. I am almost finished with most of it. Now it well be about taking care of my day to day life.

Thank goodness for all of my friends and support they have given me. I really don't know how I would have made it. They listen to me when I thought I just couldn't take things anymore. They were there with their encouragement and a shoulder to cry on. All of them have given me so much love that I feel filled up and over flowing with it. It just blows me away. I think how in the world did I deserve such friends?

Jim's family has also been great. I sure can't complain about any of them. They did Jim proud by showing up and giving such loving support too me and the boys. Both of which did really well. My older son gave the eulogy and I was so proud of him. He did a wonderful job. It was lovely and respective. The Leavenworth National Cem. is beautiful and so well kept. I am glad I decided to put Jim too rest in that lovely place. The boys and myself will be laid to rest next too Jim when our time comes. Which is a comfort. Jim never had a chance of getting away from me at least not for long or very far away. LOL Not that I plan on joining him very soon.

I still have things too see and things too do. My dance card seems to be filling up fast with so many people too see and things too do.I still am looking forward too a day just for me. I am sad, happy, and relieved all at the same time. Excited about life and sad that Jim can not enjoy it with me. So it goes. Life just rolls along.

Ros

Jim doesn't live here anymore.

2011-07-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

Some of you may already know that Jim passed away July 12Th. Tomorrow we have the funeral at the Leavenworth National Cemetery. My son Steven will give the eulogy for his father.Which seems so right on so many levels.

At times I feel sad, and at other times I am glad that all of this sickness and his suffering is done. I well move on with my life, because as we all know life is for the living. I will always hold Jim in my heart. I will cry for him, and I will raise my fist too the heavens and yell at him. I know that he left me better prepared than most. Worries about money and medical care are all taken care of for me. He wanted too make sure that I would be OK.

I know at times I will not be OK. I will learn too live alone and take charge of my life. It has been a journey for me. Some parts very happy, other parts very sad. Yet if you asked me would I have chosen some one else too make this journey with in this life? I would tell you no.

We had a bond between us, and we had a love that I could never have had with another man. It was always as if we were suppose too be with each other, and as strange as it may seem. Nothing could break us apart except his death. It is a rare thing too find what we had together. It is hard to explain too others. Because at times we hated each other, and at other times we loved each other so much it hurt. All of it was Jim and me. It was always about the two of us. Others can come and go in your life, but Jim mmm what can I say. I loved him.

Ros

Time passes

2011-05-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

It seems that every few months I creep in here, and take a look around. Then flee away too do other things. I really don't want to give anything much thought and it has kept me from writing here in my little space.

What does one say or report too others. That much has not changed. That I feel worn, and at times depressed.

Who would have thought that sixteen years would have passed by so fast. Since that day that Jim was told he was ill. Who would have thought that he would even still be alive? I remember all that we went through that first year, and my thinking. That I needed to get my life in order, because I was very likely to be alone. Yet here we are sixteen years later and he is still with me. Not what I expected.

It feels as if I have been holding my breath all of this time. Waiting, and waiting for it all too end. Yet here we are still. Others would tell me too count my blessings, but watching him go through all of what he has gone through over these years it is almost more than I can endure. It is like the drip, drip of water upon a stone. Taking for ever to make even a difference. Yet watching him go from youthful to a shadow of himself.

Once a strong man, now a man who can not do much at all. Once a man with muscle and strength, all bone, and hanging skin. Who labors so hard with each breath. I wonder how does he do it? How does he still believe that he will some how get better?

I know that all of the above is going on. Yet I hid as much as I can from myself. Immersing myself self in other things. Setting myself apart so that I do not feel the pain. Still every once in awhile I am forced too surface and face the realities of life.

Life goes on. Things need too be done. Lawns mowed, trips too the store, all of the everyday things that must be taken care of in our lifer's. When he takes his shirt off, I can't help but look away. When I see him in his bath. I want too look away. Who is this man that is in my house? Where did he come from? This is not my Jim. The one I loved, fought with, and raised children. Yet I know that it is him and it breaks my heart.

So I turn my head and I immerse myself in other things. Because not too do so it way too painful.

Ros

Another day.

2011-03-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

Where have I been and what have I been up too? Most of what I do is the same thing every day. Get up, and just do chores and keep Jim company. Sometimes I go too the store. Not much to say about anything.

I watch as people struggle with problems not created by themselves, but things that are beyond their control out across the world. It makes my problems seem so small. I don't have too go in search of food or a safe place too stay. I don't have too worry about pleasing a boss or any of the day too day things plaguing others.

So even though Jim is ill, life is not really as bad as some. We muddle along here at our house. Some days are good others could be better on the problem of Jim's illness. We treat each day as normal without a lot of drama. Which in our opinion is the right way too live. What good is screaming, crying and pulling ones hair out over things that can not be changed. It is far better to live in peace and accept that which is.

So life goes on such as it is here at this simple abode of ours. Be ever thankful for what you have, and for those you love.

Ros

Here I am.

2011-02-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

Here I am back hurting after a day of shopping. I really don't like going too the store. Will at least it is done, and the sun is shinning and it is suppose to warm up.

I just love my friends who write blogs. Dee was talking about trying too hard to I guess too look young. Will I have given up that idea. Now I am trying for the I look pretty good for 65. Sad I see pictures of myself and I try so hard. Too look at least attractive in an elderly way. Yet I come off as the short dumpy lady. I blame it all on my short fat legs. I have been told that I look cute. Which makes me laugh, and makes me picture a puppy or kitten. I suppose cute is good at least no one is saying I am ugly.

Jim says bless his heart. That I look good. Of course what does he know. He is half blind. Which is no doubt a good thing. Otherwise he might be chasing women half my age down the street. Yes he is still with us. I have stopped worrying about his dying, because it seems like he is not going anywhere soon. Although if you saw him with out clothes you would wonder what is keeping him alive. He eats less than anyone I know and sleeps a lot. At least most of the time he doesn't seem to be in a lot of pain. Thank goodness for that blessing.

Like everyone else I am ready for this winter too be over, and all of the snow melted away. I brought a rose up out of the basement. My little rose tree has been giving me some really pretty blooms. Which makes me long for spring.

I have been thinking that when Jim is gone. That I want too give this house to my oldest son and move into something smaller. I just need to find some where that suits me. Because I want too just travel when the mood hits me. Just get up and lock the door and go. I don't want anymore responsibilities for anything except myself. Warning I might just show up at your door step. Don't worry I won't stay long. It is a thought going through my mind these days. We shall see what happens.

Ros

Floating away.

2011-01-15T12:12:00.000-08:00

I think too much and when I do that, I upset myself. Yesterday I was thinking about Jim and all that we have been through with all of this medical stuff. Hard to believe it has been 16 years since we started on this journey. Who would have known. That he would be able to live through all of the things that have happen to him. Not me for sure.

Still he stays never letting go of this life that we share. Even now when they tell him nothing is left too do. Each morning he gets up. Lets the dog out, and goes out and gets the paper. Every day I wonder if this will be the last.

It is as if a little bit of our souls drift away each day, and I feel as if I am floating away. When he is gone it will be as if my other half has gone, and I don't know how too deal with it. He has always been my rock. Keeping my feet planted firmly on the ground. When he is gone. Will I be able to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground? Can I keep from becoming lost in a sea of self pity and grief? Will my heart mend?

I think sometimes I shouldn't think about these things, but in the dark of the night. I can't help myself. Wondering what my life will be like with out him. No it is not my intent too be a drama queen. One of those whose later years is spent gathering pity for oneself. I don't want that for my older years. Yes I have heard and been given tons of advise, and I have listen. I truly have listen.

Yet each of us is different and our needs are different. I think what works well for one. May not work well for another. So I am left wondering about what life has in store for me after he is gone.

So now is the waiting time, and the sharing of what we have left. I don't know how long this dying things takes, or even how close it might be. Some days I want it all too be over, and then other days. I think all of it has been way too short, and we need more time. I suppose the best thing too do is just take care of this day, because I have not been given a choice.

Ros

47 Years of marriage.

2011-01-05T08:32:00.000-08:00

Well Jim and me made it too 47 years of marriage today. I have no idea how we did it. Could it be love? Could it be because we are stubborn? Could it be because we don't like change? Could it be because it was easier than getting a divoce? Could it be because both of us were too lazy for one of us to move out? Could it be because it was easier just too work all of the time and ignore each other? Maybe the sex was good? Maybe we just liked each other?

I think it could be all of the above at one time or the other. What ever the reason here we are 47 years later still together. Looking out for each other and doing most of the time good things for each other. I don't know about this love thing forever. You sort of slow down in old age. We don't yell at each other these days. Seems like a waste of energy, and pointless. If I don't like something that he is doing. I just go find something else to spend my time doing. I find it a lot easier just too ignore things I don't like. You sure are not going to change the man now. Just like he gave up trying to change me. Either you take each other just as you find that person, or you just get out.

One more thing. How do you know if you do find someone else, if that person might not be a whole lot worse than the one you already are with now? That green grass on the other side of the fence could have a lot of poison ivy growing in it.

Roz

End of the year already?

2010-12-29T09:36:00.000-08:00

Just a few more days and we will be trying to see the New Year in again. I don't know where the time goes.

Jim is hanging in there, but has lost a lot of weight. We will see his cancer doctor this coming month. We had talked about chemo for him, but I don't think we will be doing chemo. Jim and me are now in the part of this journey. Where quality of life is the most important thing too both of us. It doesn't make sense to make his last days miserable. When nothing will cure anything.

So we get up every day get dressed, put the dog out, read the paper and talk about this and that thing. We try to face each day as a normal every day thing. Some days he can do more, and other days he sleeps a lot. Some days he feels pretty well, and other days he doesn't.

We had a nice Christmas this year. My older son and his girlfriend went over and got my younger son and took him back later. We exchanged gifts, and had a nice dinner. Everyone seem to enjoy themselves, and they were happy. So I had a nice Christmas.

Next thing up for Jim and me is our wedding anniversary. We will have been married 47 years January 5Th. That seems like a lot of years, and it has gone really faster than I expected. Plus it seems to have been crammed full of lots of living. One minute you are young and the next minute you are old.

I will try to get back here from time too time. Right now. I am just spending as much time as I can with Jim.

Ros

As always.

2010-12-08T16:43:00.000-08:00

I finally got around to scrubbing the bathroom. Ceiling, walls, tiles and floors. I just couldn't stand it anymore and had to make myself get it done.

I bought Jim a Christmas tree cookie jar. I also filled it with his favorite candy. So now he has a Christmas tree, and I don't have too feel bad about not going out and buying a real one or artificial tree. I am not a Christmas person. I think growing up in my family and all of the teasing and other nonsense ruined it for me. Plus Jim had to be the worlds worst gift giver. God love him, but he was an idiot in our younger days.

I know, I know Christmas isn't about gifts etc. I have heard it all, but when you go all year doing with out. You just want one day when you get something, anything, that you might like, or when someone asks you what your husband got you? That you don't have too say something like, he gave me, a mop and bucket. Then of course they have too show you the new diamond ring or what ever their loving husband got them. It was like my husband loves me more than your husband loves you. What ever. At least my floors are cleaner than your floors. So there, take that you witch. Hope you wind up in divorce court, and have too make a living scrubbing some one else floors.

Now when I look back it was all kind of funny in a strange sort of way. I would tell Jim what I wanted and he would give me some off the wall gift. I would write down my size for everything and he still could not get it right. So you can guess after all of these years, and all of the tears and yelling. He finally when I finally gave up on his gift giving. He went off and bought me this expensive ruby and diamond necklace. I just looked at it and didn't know what too say. I just kept thinking don't say anything, don't dig yourself a hole you can't get out of.

I know you think I am nuts, but I kept thinking why after all of these years. When I am old and don't give a shit about this sort of thing. You buy something like this for a gift. It wasn't about what a gift cost. It was about a gift too someone you love. All it ever had too be was something sweet and thoughtful. It could have been a single rose, or just a little love note. Just something that meant. I really do love you. Of course I know he loves me. I just wanted him too show me, and say it in a nice way.

I know we women are silly that way, but even if I am wrinkled, gray, and old. I still like too be told or shown that I am loved. I sure needed that when I was younger and had spent a day with dirty diapers and thrown up spit all over me. It is way too easy too take each other for granted.

Ros

Pictures

2010-12-03T18:12:00.000-08:00

That person on the left with the gray shirt is me. This was taken on my trip too Branson Missouri. The trip I went on with classmates and wives of clasemates. Dam they are an old looking bunch of kids.

Ros

Quiet Corner

2010-12-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel this need for a quiet corner of the world too think and reflect. So often I write for myself and not for others. Not that I don't want too see or hear from others, but sometimes peace and quiet is nice.

It has been busy in some ways for me. I made a trip down too Branson Missouri and enjoyed a day or two with old friends that I went too school with years ago. It was good for me too touch base with others and catch up on their lives. Funny every time I envy someone for their life. I find out that mine is in my mind better.

I have found that I am interested in others and wish them well, but do I want too go about living my life the way they do? No is the answer too that question. I am who I am and they are who they are, and my needs and wants are different.

My friend who lost her husband is getting on with her life. She has been dating, and going out, and even has a new job. She tells me that she is happy. So of course I am not hearing as much from her, and that is to be expected. I am happy for her.

All of this brings too mind. What I want from life when Jim is no longer with me. The truth is I don't know for sure, and have decided that these things will come too me all in time. I am not my friend, and in so many ways we are different. I have lived a very different kind of life then she has lived.

I listen to a female classmate who has been married to her husband since shortly after we graduated. She has not been happy, and now he is very sick and living in a nursing home. She complains about being lonely, but has rejected my offer of friendship. I don't take it personal, because once again I have lived a different life.

I don't think I realized until this trip how full my life has been. How many things I have done and how much I have accomplished in my life. I always worried too much about what others would think of me. When in fact it doesn't make much difference. I really don't feel any regrets, even if others would like me too feel that way.

My hope is that I will find a way to handle any emotional issues, I might have concerning Jim if he should go before me. Which is likely. I know one way or the other I will find my way. I hope that life brings me an adventure to grow and learn from.

Ros

Trying to stay awake.

2010-10-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

It has gotten cold here in Missouri, and I still have pleanty to do outside. Sigh. I need to bring some plants in before the big freeze tonight. I also need to take the trash out. Not something I like doing, but it will get done.

Had to buy a new light for the dinning room, as the one in that one is popping and smoking. Not good. So I hopped on over too the local Lowe's store and got a new light. We spend a lot of time in that room, watching TV, reading etc. You would think we didn't have a living room at all. The living room doesn't seem to get much use these days. Only when I want to watch something different then Jim does. We have TV's in both rooms. Jim likes the dinning room.

The teenage girl next door has been coming over and helping Jim with his garden. Planting those rose bushes he bought, and he plans to get her to plant some bulbs today. I think she is a little spooked being alone at home. So she comes and hangs out with us until her dad gets home. We like her so no problem.

Ros

Life is crazy.

2010-10-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

Life is full of the unexpected. Just like the whole thing with JS people getting together on face book. What a hoot. Just about the time you think everyone has gone away and you wonder what happen to them. People come racing back into your life.

I took a trip this week down to Branson Missouri. I got a call from an old HS classemate. Who wanted all of us to get together and come too the alumin banquet. I like this guy. We rode the same bus to school for years, went to Sunday school together, and just grew up around each other. He is a good guy, so I went.

That is when he and some others started too make plans to get together in Branson. One of our old classmates owns a resort on the lake. So I went and had the time of my life. It was so much fun seeing everyone and catching up on what had happen in their lives over the years. It was like having a family reunion. Ray was right when he said we had such a strong connection to each other and I am glad I went to this reunion.

We plan to do this next year, and I am looking forward to going again. I think we need to sometimes connect to others that meant so much to each of us. We were a very small class in a country school, and we spent most of our growing up years together. So we all share a lot of history some good and some not so good, but let me tell you the good out weights all of the bad by a long shot.

Ros

This and that.

2010-09-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

I have been watching Earl and thinking about those along the East coast and of course hoping that things go alright for them. It's has been rainy and humid here in KC, but it suppose to cool off and be a really nice weekend.

Sunday I went to see some of my family. Not something that I get too do often enough. I wanted to see my niece and her husband whom I had not meet yet. Plus I wanted to see her two little ones. She and her family is off too Japan for the next three years. He is in the Marines. So I wanted to see them before they took off. They were headed too NC to do some things before they left and fly out of that area. I have been wondering how they are doing with the storm and all coming at them. I am sure the Marines will see too their needs.

I don't have any plans for the Labor Day weekend. Jim and I will just hang around here like we do most weekends.

I have a trip planned for October with some old classmates from of all places HS. We all plan to go to Branson and hang out for a couple of days. I am sure that I will enjoy it.

Ros

So here I am.

2010-08-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

I come and go from this place. I find that writing even in one space is more than I can do at times. Still I miss some of you more that you will ever know. Like Dee I miss the old JS crew, but like to like some others write in peace.

Updates I should do too let you all know that I am still among the living. Jim also is still with me hanging on. We try to live our days just like anyone else. We get up get dressed read the paper, and then try to get on with the things of the day.

I have too wonder at Jim and why he is still here, with all of his ill health. Yet still he gets up each morning and it is a welcome surprise to me. I know others have lost their partners while I still have mine to at least see, and speak with during my days. It is a good thing. Life goes on at a fast clip. Which never seems to slow down. It makes me wonder how I ever thought time could go bye so slow.

At least one thing I have learned is to take what you get and enjoy it. Live is too short to sweat the stupid stuff.

Ros

Harassing the wildlife.

2010-07-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

Our dogs kept me up barking the last couple of nights. Finally yesterday I saw the problem. A young coon who was in one of our trees. I got the BB gun and shot it in the butt a couple of times. Which made it come down and get in the vine over one of our arbors. I tried knocking it out with a long stick, but that little shit sure knew how to cling to those vines. It finally went all the way to the top of one of our trees. I guess some time in the night it found a way out of our yard. Gone I hope forever.

If it had fallen on the ground our dogs would have had lunch. They sure wanted that coon bad. Trixie tried to climb the tree it was in and got a couple of feet up. She almost got it's tail. Nothing much stays in our yard for long. Which is good as I don't want the wild life roaming around my yard. They like to eat my peaches and other things I have growing.

Don't get me wrong I enjoy wild life just don't like them eating my peaches and other things.

Ros

Life

2010-07-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

I have trying to decide what too do today. Not that I don't have the normal stuff to do. Seems like I have a hard time getting out and doing things. Some of which has to do with the heat, and not wanting to spend money.

Our dog Sassy kept me awake last night. I think something must be living in the vines out in the back yard. Jim is going to beat on it and see if he can scare what ever it is away. I think it must be out little coon family.

Made some stuffed peppers and shared a few with the young couple across the street. They are having a hard time right now with all of the things that go with being young and trying to raise a son etc. She came over and talked with me for about an hour. I try to encourage her and let her vent. I know it can be a struggle at her age. I think she just needed to know she was doing OK and it is just hard sometimes. All of which is normal.

So it goes.

Ros

Hello

2010-07-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

I guess lighting struck KCL. I don't know when it will return. So it goes. Jim and me are doing fine. It is hot and steamy here in Missouri, so I have not been getting out much. I had a tree service guy look at the trees in my yard. I have several limbs big ones hanging over the house that worry me. I may see about getting them trimed up.

I rented some movies to watch. I have gotten bored with reading all of the time, and my favorite authors can't keep up with my reading habit. Plus I just have a hard time finding things that interest me.

Roz

Been posting else where.

2009-08-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here for awhile. I have been posting at KClive connect. Not sure how to direct you to that place. It has been busy this last month with Jim and his cancer treatments. We are not doing the intervenous cancer treatments any more. They were just to hard on Jim. So we are doing a pill form that won't cure, but we hope will keep things in check and keep it from spreading.

I have been pretty much run ragged by all that has gone on. Just now we are starting too see the light at the end of the tunnel. Still all of this is not good, and will not get too much better. We have a visiting nurse coming, and I got oxygen for him. So all of this I hope will at least help with the comfort part. I try not to be negative about it all, but it is what it is and I can't do anything about it.

Roz

Sleepless nights.

2009-07-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get a thought in my head and have a hard time getting it out. Jim doesn't always tell me things I need to know. Like how far behind he got on so many things. He alwasy discouraged me from doing any of the work around here and in the yard. Now I am playing catch up. I have worried a lot about the fish ponds and what I am suppose to do about them. Fill them in, or try to keep them going. We lost more fish the last week because I don't know what I am doing. Because can't take care of the ponds like he did. So I have been worring about them. Until last night I nailed him with my concerns. Seems like he has things worked out with the young guy across the street . Who came over and fixed things yesterday. It would be nice if he would just let me know what he is thinking. I am on too him too let me know what he wants. Just let me know. So I can take care of things.

Roz

Sunday

2009-07-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

The fourth is over and I can't say that I am sorry. I don't know what that was that someone was blowing up, but I would say it was pretty big. Jim was sick this morning for the first time. He hates to throw up and somehow managed not too. I gave him one of the pills that is suppose to help him with the throwing up.

My son came by and mowed the lawn. While he was doing that I replaced the broken window well cover. That is a first for me to do. I need to replace a washer in a facuet in the bathroom. At least I know too turn the water off before I start. Now all I have to do is get it apart without breaking it.

Roz

Slow too post.

2009-07-02T18:33:00.000-07:00

I have been slow to post much of anything. Life keeps me busy right now. Yet here is an update on Jim. Jim did his chemo treatment yesterday. I was some what surprised (shouldn't be) that he is doing so well. Maybe it is because it is the first one. The only problem seems to be the steroids that he must take. They make him feel shaky and nervous. I think part of the trouble was not knowing how things would go. I am glad that he is able to eat and not throw it up.

Next time will be three weeks from now. We will see how he does then. I think they plan too add some things too the next dosage of chemo. They are going slow and careful. Which I am glad they are doing.

Roz

Jim

2009-06-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

Jim and me are both tired today. We spent the afternoon out at the VA. The lung cancer tumor has gotten smaller, but still is there. So come next Wednesday. Jim will start Chemo. I know sort of what we face, but on the other hand. Living it is another thing. So we will see how the two of us hold up.

Have to go too my younger son's doctor's appointment. Outside of that just trying to get my head in the right place.

Roz

More flowers

2009-06-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

More photos

2009-06-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

Down the stairs.

2009-06-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

This is what I have been doing.

2009-06-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

I have finally gotten out and taken some photos.

I hope you enjoy them.

Roz

Short note

2009-06-19T06:25:00.000-07:00

Life has been pretty busy for me. I have most of the yard cleaned up and looking good. The two sheds cleaned out and the basement is coming along. Between all of that work. I have been running Jim back and forth too the VA. He doesn't like to drive much now days. So more of my time is spent driving him around.

I have not gotten around too taking pictures this year of my garden. When I think of taking pictures it is the end of the day and I am ready for bed. Too dark to stumble out into the dark too take a few photo's. Maybe when things slow down a bit. So much too say and so little time.
Hope all are well.

Roz

Cool today.

2009-06-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

It is cool here today. So I am trying to decide what I want too do. I thought about cleaning out the shed which really needs to be cleaned out. Can't find anything in the mess it is in right now. I need to decide about the rose bush I bought. Do I dig up a plant that is there and replace it with the new rose plant. I want the rose to climb over a gate that I just put in. It arches over the walk and would look really pretty with the red rose climbing over it.

I need to pick up the trash pile I made and put it in trash bags. So if I am bored. Which I am not. I have plenty of work to keep me busy and out of trouble.

Roz

Can't stay out of the dirt and mud.

2009-06-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

Jim was starting to feel house bound. So I took him over too Family Tree. I bought a climbling rose bush red, and several other plants. I also go an idea for a water feature. Sooo, I brought up a small tub that had been down by the big pond and filled it full of water plants. Don't worry about those nasty bugs that bit. I put some dunk under a rock in the water. I had to do that because our lovely lady pups keep taking them out of the ponds. They don't eat them. They just don't like them in the pond.

It is hot here today. So I will wait until the sun goes down some and do some more planting. I went through the drive thru at Steak & Shake and got us lunch. Jim ate it all which I am glad that he did. He really needs to eat more.

Roz

Ordered to rest.

2009-06-06T15:10:00.001-07:00

Jim says I am too do nothing today. He thinks that I have put in too hard a couple of weeks. Me will it doesn't hurt to toughen up. I am resting today as much as I can. The younger son has family day at the group home. I went over for awhile taking him to the dollar store, and then eating lunch with him. I also folded up his laundry and put it away for him. So we got too spend sometime together.

Went to check on the fish house and about 20 fish were floating on the surface. We ran fresh water into the ponds and we put to much in killing the fish. I dipped them out and now have to get rid of them. Jim told me these things happen. He wasn't mad at me. He even said something about buying some new fish. So it goes.

Roz

Getting it done.

2009-06-02T10:49:00.001-07:00

It has been a tough few months. With Jim and all of the work that needed to be done around here at home. My brother-in-law came down Sat. and cut up the tree that had fallen down in the back yard. He also cut down the dead tree in the front yard and took most of it away. The young guy across the street has come over and helped me also and fixed the pole down at the big pond. So I am getting things done with the kind help of others.

My list of to do things is growing shorter. Tomorrow I have Sassy to take to the vet's for her annual shots and to be groomed. My younger son also has a doctor's appointment. That I need to be at. So another busy day. Jim is tired most of the time and spends most of his time sleeping or watching TV. He hates that he can not help me very much with all that needs to be done. I tell him not too worry. Little by little I will get it done. By the end of the summer I should be one tough old lady.
Roz

VA day

2009-05-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

We spent most of the afternoon at the VA. Jim saw his prostrate cancer doctor. Looks like things are going good with that one. Now to see about the big one and how it is doing. I am tired and have rented three movies. I am going to just zone out and watch someone else act crazy, fall in love, and shot people. LOL Nothing like a good movie to get your mind off of things.

I have to go over and see Ted tomorrow. Then maybe I will get some yard work done. I need to mow the back yard. Jim is out on the front porch enjoying the late afternoon sun and fresh air. He likes to watch people slow down and look at his flowers. The roses are doing great this year.

Roz

Radiation Treatments done.

2009-05-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

Jim did his last radiation treatment today. They gave him a Certificate for completing the treatments. The doctor still can't get over how Jim has surivored all of his cancers. The blood cancer should have killed him years ago. Maybe he won't have too do the chem-o for the lung cancer. I hope that he doesn't because he needs to do treatments for the blood cancer. We will see what happens now.

It is cool, damp and rainy here in KC.

Roz

Holiday over.

2009-05-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

Another Memorial Day weekend over for another year. We didn't do much as Jim really didn't feel very well. He took his catheter out and had a hard time peeing. So we had to go too the ER last night and have one put back in for him. That took a couple of hours, but he was able too sleep most of the night. Plus my bonous was that I also got to sleep. Two more radiation treatments then on too other treatments.

It is rainy here, but what one would call a lovely spring day. My flowers are all in bloom and I am happy. Jim says I have the best window view of the house here with my computer. He is right as I can see on first glance a bush full of pink roses out one window, and out the other more blooming flowers. Not much else to say.

Roz

Resting today.

2009-05-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

I am sore all over today. This last week I have been working to get the yard back in shape. Plus do the usual running that needs to be done. I feel like I am starting to get things back in order, but I still have a ways to go.
Jim has two more radiation treatments. We see his cancer doctor Thrusday. Then maybe we will know what we are going to do. I am going to ask for a visiting nurse to come and check Jim our at least once or twice a week. The girl across the street said I could have my CNA in about eight weeks. I see that is maybe a good idea, but don't know how too fit classes in with everything else I have to do. That is something that I never thought about and if I did should have done it sometime ago. I have two years of college so I don't think it would be all that hard for me. Hope everyone is doing well.

Roz

New Computer

2009-05-20T08:16:00.001-07:00

I just got my new computer this morning. So I am back on line. My son and his girlfriend have moved out. Jim is doing better, and my younger son is back at the home. Everything is going much better.

I have been spending a lot of time out doors gardening. I have a lot of catching up to do, but it is starting to look a whole lot better. I also have been getting my house back in order. I still have some of my son's things, but he is suppose to come over and get them this weekend. So I should be able to put things in a better place. Hope all of you are doing well.

Roz

Back online

2009-05-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

I got my new computer today. Finally I am back on line. Just a short update. My older son and his girlfriend are now moved out. Jim is doing pretty well on his treatments. The doctor is surprised at how well he is doing.

I am busy with doing yard work and I have lots to do in that area. The flowers are just beautiful this year. So I am out doors a lot. Hope every one is well and I can catch up on all you.

Roz

Bags

2009-05-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

The one thing Jim didn't want was a bag on his leg, but somethings you can't do anything about. So yesterday they gave him one and for the first time in weeks he slept all night. No more get out of my way bathroom trips. Plus I do think he is feeling better and less pain.

My house guest will be gone in a day or two. I am really looking forward to it. My younger son is doing better and is going back home in the morning. So I am hoping by this time next week. Most of my problems well have gone away or at least be under control.

Yesterday was younger son's Birthday. I went to visit and took him his gifts which was mostly clothes. He is one who loves clothes. So for the moment he is happy.

Roz

Grinding my Teeth.

2009-05-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

I ordered a new computer yesterday. It should be here at the end of the month. Which means because my son is taking his computer. I will be without one for a week or so. That is alright as I am eager for them too get all of this stuff out of my house. From the plans I have heard it sounds slow. I am trying to resist the urge to start throwing things into the street. I want my house back really bad. You know the old saying about company smelling after three days.

We are still trying to work things out for Jim. He is out at the VA trying to get the help he needs. I hope the person he is counting on does not let him down.

Roz

Emotions and other things.

2009-05-11T11:45:00.000-07:00

Folks it has been a very hard week. Jim is now back home, but with all of the stuff going on. I am tired. The older son is too move this weekend. The younger son is going back to the group home Wednesday. Everyone is moving along and maybe going to do better.

I am emotional and can't seem to get it under control. The smallest things now can send me into a tail spin. I keep finding my self clamping my mouth shut and taking deep breaths. I have no patients with others at this point. I handle things pretty well as long as you don't add on to what is already a difficult time. Just don't rock the boat, because I am likely to push you over board. Because it is me. I use my bad temper too keep me going. It is the way I am. Clear the decks because here I come. Get out of my way. I have a job to do.

Roz

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T12:53:00.001-07:00

Jim is back home and that is good for a lot of reasons. I hope all of the mother's out there are having a great Mother's Day.

Roz

Jim update.

2009-05-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

I called the patient advocate this morning and told her that I did not appreciate the way I was treated yesterday. I understand the ER not wanting to have interfering family. That is not my job. My job is to inform them of the medications that I might have just given him and what I have observed. When anyone is in pain they often are not able to explain things very well. I know Jim better than anyone. My job is to inform, support, calm him, and too understand what needs to be done. I do not appreciate some nurse asking him if he wants me there, after he has asked for me several times. I didn't know that he had asked for me. So I came home knowing nothing and wondering what the hell was going on. Too many of these guys have no one. Stop running the wives off who are welling to help.

I saw him today and he is much better. We will see what needs to be done here in the next few days.
Roz

Jim

2009-05-08T06:59:00.000-07:00

Jim came home from his radiation treatsments yesterday in a lot of pain. So much pain that we made our way out too the ER at the VA. He is now in the Intensive care unit. He insisted that I go home to rest last night. I sure didn't get much rest as sleep was not going to come. I called this morning and they told me that his pain is under control. I didn't get to speak too him, but they said they would tell him I called.

So what happens now? I have no idea.

Roz

Younger son.

2009-05-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

As if my life is not crazy enough. My younger son called this morning sounding more strange than usual. He is the one with a mental illness. I thought things were not going right so I called the home he is living in. They were already calling the doctor and trying to find out what to do about him. He also started to say things about killing himself. So now he is over at the ER being evaluated. This could mean a stay in the hospital until we can get him back on the right track. Thank God I have these people working with my son. They have taken a lot off of my shoulders by doing the right things for him. We will see what happens at the end of the day.

I do get some what cranky with things. Things will turn around I am sure. Than I can relax a bit.

Roz

The VA

2009-05-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

We spent most of the afternoon at the VA yesterday. Jim's blood pressure was way too low. He was told by the doctor at Reserch that it could be the medication he is taking for the prostrate. Needless to say we spent a lot of hours not getting anything done. They did say they would try to send us a new blood pressure cuff. The one we have keeps showing error error on it and I have changed the batteries. It still doesn't work right.

Good thing that I got so much done yesterday morning. Today I am just tired as I had one of those nights of mine. I tripped and fell again the other day and I am feeling the effects. I just got too learn to pick up my feet. Then again the dog next door jumping up and growling right next too me. Might have had something to do with my falling down. He surprised me.

Roz

Better today.

2009-05-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

I have decided to get over my mad about things and just get on with things. It takes me awhile sometimes to adjust to new circumstances. Poor Jim listens to me and tries to make me slow down and take one thing at a time. The doctors are surprised that he has done so well with all of these different illness. They just don't understand why he isn't dead yet. I know, but most people wouldn't understand. He is a determind soul. He stays for me.

Need to get going the birds are screaming that they are hunger and need my attention. Could someone tell me how to keep them from pooping in their water. yuk. I hate cleaning the water dishes.

Roz

Snowed under.

2009-05-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

I feel over whelmed by all that I have to get done. I also am pretty sore from trying to get things done. When you are my age cleaning gutters, planting flowers, cleaning the house and all of the other things one must get done is hard. I now realize just how much Jim did and trying to do both our jobs is hard. He is trying to do more too help. Which fills me full of guilt for not being able to take care of all of these things. I would pay someone to do some of this stuff, but Jim has his pride. So here I am.

The young guy across the street came over and mowed the front lawn and bank for us. I was so relieved because that is a very steep bank. I have too keep telling myself one thing at a time. You can only do one thing at a time.

Roz

It is going to happen.

2009-04-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

My son and his girlfriend are finally moving out. I can hardly wait too have my home back. One more burden off my shoulders. I am very excited about their leaving.

Jim has been coughing up blood. He was told that this is normal and that he wants to get that stuff out. So I am not as worried about the blood as I was before. He is tired but doing pretty good. We both think the chemo treatment will be the worst part and they are at least a couple of months down the road.

It is sunny here today and has brighten both our moods. Another good thing coming my way is an old friend is coming to visit soon. I look forward to seeing her and her husband.

Roz

A week or more.

2009-04-26T10:53:00.001-07:00

I have been busy as you can well guess. Jim is pretty tired from a week of treatments. He has the weekend off from them. As for me I am trying to keep everything going. Doing all of his stuff and all of my stuff. Which keeps me pretty busy now that spring is here once again.

I spent yesterday buying plants and putting them into the ground. I am pretty pleased with the results. Now when I walk out the front door it looks really pretty. I could not for some reason resist pink flowers. LOL So I have pink geraniums, and impatients. I will try to get a picture taken with they really start to fill things out.

My son and his girlfriend are moving out the 15th of May. Which makes me happy. More room and privacy for Jim and myself.

Roz

Tuesday

2009-04-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

Jim is off having his treatment. He wanted to just go by himself, and even though I was some what worried about that. I stayed here at home. I know it is important for him to be in charge of all of this medical thing. I will of course be here if he needs me. He has the cell phone and only needs to call me. I am sure that as time passes that I may have to be more pro-active, but for now it is important for him to feel like he has some control over things.

Instead of going I have been feeding and caring for the birds and doing the usual house work. Also taking a bit of time to roam around here on the computer. I hope to get outside and do some work.

Roz

Monday

2009-04-20T11:34:00.001-07:00

I have been trying to get the house cleaned up. Jim will be starting his treatments tomorrow. So I don't want to be worrying about things being a mess here at home.

I did get to plant somethings Saturday and do some things out in the yard. I also ran over and took my younger son out for awhile. So I have been busy. I also have found all of the stuff to get the license plates for the truck. Now all I have to do is sit down and fill out the paper work.

Sunday I gave the two who live with me a lecture. They needed it as they were getting out of hand. Funny Jim got up and left it all too me. He said he would let me handle those two. LOL I hope I got somethings through too them. Not much else going. It is sunny and warm but windy. With gust of winds hitting 40 miles an hr. So that is keeping me from doing anything out side.

Roz

So it goes.

2009-04-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

We saw a lung specialist today at the VA. He showed us the pictures of the lung cancer. It is about three inches across and is blocking part of Jim's airway. It also has collasped part of his lung. We will do radiation first and then a couple of weeks after that when we are done with the radiation. We will do the chemo. They don't think that Jim can hold up too both at the same time. Bad news is that we found out this is stage 3. For those who don't know cancer goes from stage 1 to stage 4. The higher the number the worst it is suppose to be. Not good.

He is determined to beat it. Do I think he can? Who knows? He has surpised me and the doctors more often than not. So we will see.

Roz

What too say?

2009-04-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

Can't think of much that I care to write about. Jim is too see the doctor Friday. We know that radiation is going to be one treatment, and some chemo. I will of course go with him too this doctor and learn what I need too learn.

With these things one never really knows what to expect. Each person is different and the outcome can be good or bad. He saw his mental health person today. She gave him a number for the suicide hot line. He was insulted that she would think that he would take his own life. He said why bother killing himself since they seem to be doing a pretty good job of it for him. He is bitter and I understand.

They are always suprised that I am still with him after so many years and all that has happen in our lives. Am I the only one who thinks marriage is till death do us part? Seems that way.
Roz

Getting head on straight.

2009-03-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get my head in the right place again. Sometimes I can get pretty messed up. It looks like we have a few things to think about with Jim's treatments etc. He has not given up yet.

He is feeling pretty weak and tired most of the time. Which is the hard part for him. He wants to go and do things, but doesn't have the energy. My hard part is not getting too far ahead of myself and thinking the worst. I know a lot of things have been falling on my shoulders to get done.

One good thing is that the doctor said that Jim should be able to take care of most of his personal needs. Something that has been a worry. I sure can't lift him and move him around, but from what I am told. We are a long ways from him not being to care for himself.
Roz

Nightmare

2009-03-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

So it is as if the years between those days when my mother laying dying have never been. All of the pain and emotions come rushing back to me. Those feelings that were kept at bay just under the surface for so many years.

It is like the old soldier called back into combat once again. To relive the sights, the smells, the sounds and too feel the fear. All one can do is give comfort to the other, and try to keep things as normal as you can.

My fear is that I am not up too it and that I will fail. That my fears will drive me insane.

Roz

Grinding my teeth.

2009-03-23T17:52:00.001-07:00

Not much to up date about, and most of what I have been thinking and doing doesn't need to be repeated. One of those days when going out in the backyard and cutting off a switch for a couple of people sounds real good to me.

So I just have been keeping my mouth shut and trying to go about my business. While grinding my teeth. We will know more about Jim this Thursday. I am not looking forward too any of this at all. I really, really don't think Jim or any of the others have any idea what we are in for in the next few months.

I really don't want to do this, but I will. I have too stop thinking about it. Because it makes me sad and I already feel worn out. Got to get a handle on all of this stuff. It will be alright.

Roz

We know now.

2009-03-19T13:30:00.001-07:00

Jim does have lung cancer. We will not know what we will do until we talk with his cancer doctor. I am not very hopeful about the out come. Yet I have been wrong before.
Roz

Not 100% sure, but.

2009-03-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

We spent most of the day at the VA. The doctor came out and told me that Jim has a mass in his lung. It bleed a lot and he did take samples, but it does look like it is going to be lung cancer. It is not something that we didn't expect. Since he already has two kinds of cancer. The doctor said we needed to find out what kind it is before we decide on a treatment plan.

Thursday we go to seem his primary doctor and also to have some kind of scan. This scan is suppose to show where all of his cancer is suppose to be located. Jim told the nurse that he should really light up that scan. He is doing alright, and so am I. We pretty much have known for some time the things that we face. My thing is making sure they take care of the pain. Not taking care of the pain can really make me into one mean bitch.

Roz

Jim's Health part two.

2009-03-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

We made our way down to the VA at the crack of dawn. It was pretty much of a review of medical history and deciding what should be done next. The next thing to do is that we will go Tuesday and they will put a scope down his throat to have a look see and maybe if it is something that looks bad. They will take a sample. If they do that it will be about 5 days before we know the results. Don't know anything on the kidneys yet or what is planned. All a wait and see game.

We have been through these sort of things so much over the years. That we don't get too upset. I try not too think the worse and so does Jim. His way of thinking is, let's find out what it is and do something to make it better. So I go with his way of thinking.

Roz

Jim's health.

2009-03-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

I am filled with sadness today. Jim's doctor called yesterday and said that he had a spot on his lung and a few spots on each kidney. We are hoping for the best. That the spot on his lung is just an infection and that the other spots are nothing to worry about. Yet I am worried. Tomorrow we go to have it checked out. I am hoping for good news. At least we know why Jim has felt so tired these last few months.

Will let you know what happens.

Roz

Spring where are you?

2009-03-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have not fallen down once today and it is almost noon. I need to pay attention to what I am doing. I get so distracted with other things. Jim was up at the crack of dawn to go to the VA. They wanted to do a cat scan this morning. So that is out of the way and he is back home.

It is pretty darn cold here now and it looks like it is going to stay cold at least for this week. We did get some much needed rain this last week. Which makes me happy because it will help our garden this spring. I don't know about all of you, but I am ready to get out into the yard and start digging. We still need to get that tree out of our yard that fell down. Jim has done some cutting, but we need to load it up and get it gone.

So life is just rolling along. Didn't hurt my self too bad with this last fall. Just skinned my knee.
Roz

Jim's Birthday

2009-03-10T16:27:00.000-07:00

Today is Jim's Birthday. His present is the dog he brought home a couple of weeks ago. I did bake him a spice cake with cream icing and made him a nice supper. He is happy and full. So that was easy to take care of.

Damn I fell down again this morning. It had rain last night and I was hurrying down the drive way in my moccasins when my foot slipped out from under me. Now I have a nice big bruise on one of my knees. I swear I need a padded to suit to wear. I am ready for someone else to take over all of this falling down.

Not much else going on.

Roz

Gifts and other things

2009-03-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

I think that I am finally getting caught up on things. I am giving my son my car, and so I had to find out how to gift him the car. It turned out to be a lot easier than I thought. If I give it too him as a gift he does not have to pay sells tax.

I want to call the insurance people and have one our trucks dropped to just liablity. It is eight years old and wrecked twice. So I don't think it is worth carring full coverage on it any more. Giving the car to my son and dropping coverage on the one truck will save me a bundle of money.

So on we go trying to get things done.

Roz

Healing and wild things.

2009-03-07T10:02:00.000-08:00

The butt is better the visit with my son went well. Spring flowers are beginning to poke through the ground. So I would say in about a month things will be in bloom.

The dogs were barking at something last night. Jim got up and said their was a dog in the yard next door. I put on my glasses to take a look and I don't know what it was, but I don't believe it was a dog. I have been seeing this rather furry creature ambling along the drive way at our house and down the street. I am not sure what animal it is suppose to be. I sure wasn't going out in the middle of the night too take a look. We thought maybe a wood chuck, coon, or something along that variety of animal. It is about the size of out dogs and has pointed ears. I kind of wondered if it was a kitty of the will kind. Because of the ears. I do believe I well leave it alone.

Roz

Crazy days and nights.

2009-03-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

It has been another crazy first week of the month for me. Bills to pay things to stock up on etc. I got most if not all of it done yesterday. I got a couple of days behind because of the butt fall. Now I am caught up and I have decided to relax for today.

Tomorrow I have my younger son too see about. That will take me a couple of hours to do. Most of it will be driving him around to where he wants to go. Which means that I will be hurting by the time I get home. It hurts to drive the truck, but I will do what needs to be done.

Crazy strange dreams last night. I was trying to dig my way out of a mud slide most of the night. Jim said I was kicking like crazy. He is some what worn out this morning. I guess you could call that pay back for all of the nights he has kept me awake. So it goes.

Roz

Bruised my butt.

2009-03-03T13:39:00.000-08:00

No I have not left the world of the living. I have been crazy busy with stuff. Family etc. etc. etc. Plus I fell Friday and bruised my butt big time. It has given some trouble just getting dressed and moving around. So I have not been feeling too chipper these last few weeks. With my being sick and everyone else being sick. Maybe we will get over all of this stuff soon.

Jim brought home another dog. Lord help us. Now we have three. He just could not let it go too an animal shelter. He found it at one of those rescue things. I swear I am going to forbid him from going to those places.

I feel worn out so I am making these entries short. Hope everyone is doing OK.

Roz

Been sick

2009-02-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

I have not wanted to write here in the last few weeks. All of us have been sick. So most of my time has been spent trying to recover. Plus doing all of the other stuff that one needs to get done. So by the time I get a chance to use the computer others are busy with their thing. So much for writing or doing an update.

Jim and me have managed to get out and buy some new rose bushes to plant this spring. I haven't been out in the yard, but Jim says we have spring flowers coming up. In about another month we will once again see the beauty of spring.

I also haven't wanted to say a lot about how Jim is doing. All I can say is that with all of this illness. I have been really worried. It does look like now things have turned around for the better.
Roz

Our Orchids

2009-02-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

Jim bought another orchid today. They are so yummy looking. You just want too eat them.

Roz

My Valentine Present from Jim.

2009-02-08T09:18:00.001-08:00

This is my present a pretty pink orchid. I have it setting on my kitchen sink. So that I can look at it when I am in the kitchen. We also got two African Violet's that are really pretty.

Roz

Jim's Valentine Present from me.

2009-02-08T09:16:00.001-08:00

We went shopping yesterday, and I got this orchid for Jim.

Roz

Sunday

2009-02-08T07:25:00.000-08:00

I am up not that I wanted to get up this early, but my older son called from NYC. He will be back among the common folk tonight. I am awaiting too hear all about his trip and see his photos. My take on the whole NYC trip is, I am glad I didn't have too go.

Roaming around streets with tall building is not my cup of coffee. I know that I would feel all closed in and ready for some ear plugs. Our downtown KC would no doubt fit inside of central park with room left to spare.

So I am waiting. Need to take photos of the plants Jim and I bought yesterday. Lovely is all I have to say about them.

Roz

Live gets busy.

2009-02-06T10:21:00.001-08:00

I have been pretty darn busy the last few days or is it the last week. I should have some quiet time now that the son and girlfriend have flown away. They left for NYC early this morning, and called about 10:30 AM to tell me they had made it safe and sound.

I found a pretty interesting Internet site and so I have spent more time than I should looking people up. It is called Case net Mo. Want to know who is bad or good? Then you go here to take a look. So I am easy to amuse. Plus some people are not as nice as they seem.

Horrible thing. I found my own name on this site. I can tell you right now that it is not me. I truly did not know that another person had my first and last night. Mainly because my first name is pretty unusual. It kinda freaked me out to see my name. Who ever that person is that is using my name is not nice. May they get boils. Any ways not much else going on.
Roz

Palm tree with snow.

2009-02-02T16:05:00.000-08:00

My niece in SC sent me this photo she took. She thought it would be fun for us too see a palm tree with snow. They got about enough to cover the ground.

Been busy getting things done. Should have more time later in the week. Hope all of you are doing well.

Roz

Not much time.

2009-01-30T10:03:00.001-08:00

In a few minutes I have to be out the door. It is doctor time for my younger son. Plus it is the end of the month and the beginning of the new month. Which means I have lots too do the next couple of days.

I need to put my track shoes on and get going. Hope all of you are having a great day.
Roz

Lost in life.

2009-01-29T09:29:00.001-08:00

It has been busy here at the old folks home. So busy with trying to take care of a few things that I have some how managed to be gone for awhile. Life can take up a lot of your time.

We have the wrecked truck back and fixed. Some how they forgot too put the front license plate back on. So I need to make a trip back up too the body shop to have it taken care of soon.

Our new person here at the old folks home is ajusting very well. Things are moving along on a postive note. The only down thing is that the old fart has not felt very well. He sees his cancer doctor today. We will see what we see.

I will try to see what other's are doing soon. Hope all is well with all of you.
Roz

Daily Survival Kit

2009-01-21T09:25:00.000-08:00

> Daily Survival Kit> Toothpick, Rubber band, Band aid, Pencil, Eraser, Chewing> gum, Mint,> Candy kiss, Tea bag >
> 1. Toothpick -> to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others >
> 2. Rubber band -> to remind you to be flexible: things might not always work> out the way> you want, but it will work out. >
> 3. Band aid -> to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours and someone> else's >
> 4. Pencil -> to remind you to list your blessings everyday >
> 5. Eraser -> to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's OK> >
> 6. Chewing gum -> to remind you to stick with it and> you can accomplish anything >
> 7. Mint -> to remind you that you are worth a mint! >
> 8. Candy kiss -> to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug every day> >
> 9. Tea bag -> to remind you to relax daily and go over your list of> blessings

Roz

Jim & Me

2009-01-19T14:08:00.000-08:00

Jim's brother John took this picture the other day. We were married 45 years ago Jan 5th in front of this organ. It sat in my parents living room.

Roz

Getting settled.

2009-01-17T13:17:00.000-08:00

I won't say too much about this, but we have an extra person living at our house. She ran into some bad luck. So we are trying to get her back on her feet. Life comes at you hard sometimes. When it does you just need a little helping hand.

We use the pass it on method of being paid back. If you meet someone who needs a helping hand and you can help. Then remember when you got help and help them.

It is warmer here in KC. Suppose to get up to the 60's. Makes me happy. Still need to get that chain saw.

Roz

Try

2009-01-15T09:44:00.000-08:00

I can only try to make things better for some others that I know. At least I can offer a warm house, bed and food. Times are really tough for some, and it makes you all the more grateful that you have what you have in this world.

I certainly know what it is too be cold, sick and hungry. I worry for all of the people who have lost everything because of others greed. I agree with Bobby I don't think it is going to get better for some time.

We didn't need to worry so much about the enemies outside our country. We had plenty who were doing us in right here at home. How sick.

Roz

Poinsettia

2009-01-14T17:29:00.000-08:00

This is that big poinsettia that I had up stairs. As you can see it is doing just fine among the rose bushes. I have several more of the poinsettias in the basement.

Roz

Orchid

2009-01-14T17:22:00.000-08:00

This is the orchid that is growing in our basement. The plant behind is a big leaf philodendron. It is a plant that we keep outdoors in the warmer weather. It does get pretty big so we put it down in the basement during the winter months.

Roz

Life

2009-01-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

Life can come at you hard at times. If anyone thinks my life is boring think again. I don't say to much about it. That is the private part of me that really doesn't like to share. I do know one thing that my life is a lot easier since I got rid of some people.

Everyone knows some one who is toxic and you just have to learn to get away from them. My family is a good example of those who just can't seem to live life. They have to make something happen all of the time. So for years I have stayed away from certain ones and it is a good thing that I did. Because of all of the other things that just come your way that you have to handle. Why put up with others who love to create problems. I always wondered why, and my son say because they could cause problems. Makes no since to me, but then I am not them.

Just a few thoughts on a very cold day.
Roz

Moods

2009-01-13T08:49:00.000-08:00

Ok I am in one of those moods of mine. It is colder than a well diggers ass here in KC today. So all I want to do is go back too bed and wait it out.

See you all later.

Roz

Truck

2009-01-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

We took the truck up too the body shop this morning. So that is on it's way to be taken care of and out of my hair. I am getting things pretty much back to normal around here at the old folks home.

I have too got see about a chain saw. That I can use to cut up the tree that was blown down in the back yard. I want one that I can use because I really don't think Jim is up to cutting that tree up. At least it fell in our yard and not into our neighbors which is good.

My son got his third class which he has been worrying about for the last few weeks. So that is one more thing taken care of around here at the old folks home. So we are rolling along and I feel like I can breath once again.

Hope you all are having a great day. Roz

We don't grow that.

2009-01-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

I was thinking some people would grow that weed in their basement. Jim and me we grow roses. This is from the rose tree that we didn't get planted this fall. It is doing pretty good. Some of our other rose are blooming too and it looks like the white orchid is also getting ready to bloom.

I am taking the truck in Monday. We will see how that all that works out. Today I am not doing anything that takes any kind of brain power.

Roz

Truck wreck.

2009-01-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

This is the yellow truck that my son wreck. Most of the damage is too the grill, hood, and bumper.
The claims adjuster is suppose to come sometime today. I may have too argue with Jim over getting it fixed. No one is driving this thing until I have it fixed. The brakes are going to be replaced come hell or high water.

I have issues with the son and husband over these kind of things. So I am grinding my teeth and determined to get things done my way. Which is the right way.
Roz

Crash

2009-01-08T12:50:00.000-08:00

I have not taken a picture of it, but while I was trying to make an entry here. My son called and said I have some bad news. He wrecked one of the trucks. At least he was able to get it back home and we switched out putting him in the car.

So now I have to have it fixed. This is the same truck that some guy rear ended me and blew out all of the shocks. This is also the truck we just put new tires on. This all gives me a headache. If I had a junker no one would hit it. Oh well, and how was your day?

Roz

Welcome

2009-01-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

I didn't cook all of this Jim cooked part of it. After all of these years if I can get out of cooking I do. Sometimes I do get in the mood and cook up a storm.

Last night I made chicken fryed up my way mushrooms, sage dressing, and a cherry pie. It took me over an hour too clean up the kitchen. I had flour every where from coating the chicken and mushrooms. You have to be fast once the cooking oil gets hot. You want it all too come out about the same time.

Hope you all are having a good day. Roz